IT'S SUMMER!!!! I have been shouting this to my kids with as much excitement as I can muster, however, I'll admit it- I am scared to death that "it's summer!" Why in the WORLD is this bad? I'm off for the summer! I have two cute and awesome kids ages 5 and 3 and I'll be able to spend quality time with them for 2.5 months.
2.5 months. With a 5 and a 3 year old. Sorry. But that crap is scary.
You see, my daughter Lyla knows how to press all of my buttons. And I mean, all of my buttons at the same time. It's like she gets every finger and every toe and latches on and just pushes those buttons - ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. BEEP!!BEEP!!BEEP!!BEEEEEP!!! And I'm scared because I'm afraid one of three things will happen:
1. I'll be 'that mom' who abandons her family one day out of the blue.
2. I'll hurt my child.
3. I'll be committed to a mental institution by August.
I'm joking, but I'm not. Seriously ya'll...BEEPPP!!! BEEEP!!! And what makes me the craziest/saddest/guiltiest is that I feel like all the other moms in the world are at home with their kids loving every minute of motherhood, thinking that their children are the most precious things that ever walked the earth, and just eating up the opportunity to wait on them hand and foot, laughing at them for fighting, and whistling as they think that they are fulfilling their meaning in life~ being a mother.
Well. I'm here to tell you, that not all moms feel like that. Some mom's do NOT feel that this is the most wonderful thing in the world all the time. Some mom's do not like serving their children 24/7. AND. Are you ready for this? Some mom's feel like they don't even LIKE their kids at times.
There I said it, so you don't have to. Sometimes I don't LIKE my kids. I love them. But LIKE. That's a different story. There are times that I am SOOOO frusterated (BEEEP BEEEP BEEEEEEEEP) that I don't even know if I can pick up my daughter without squeezing her little arms too hard. So I try to not pick her up when mad. There are times that I want to walk out the front door and not look back. There are times that I ask myself "why did I EVER do this to myself?" There are times that I have had to lock myself in my room and call my husband to come home to relieve me and of course, nothing makes me feel like more of a failure than doing THAT.
So, I've been thinking about this a lot and I've come to realize that I'm not a failure~ I'm just a girl who isn't really cut out for motherhood in all the ways others are. I am a mother who DIDN'T dream of having a baby my whole life. I dreamt of travel, and free time, and a job, and working out and relaxing...
However, I'm managing to raise a couple of pretty awesome kids. So, while I'm scared to death about 2.5 months of summer, we will get through it. I may have to call for reinforcements, my daughter may cry for me to pick her up when I just don't think I can, and I may even end up on meds~ but, years from now I won't remember BEEEP!!!! BEEP!!!! BEEEEEEP!!! I will remember "Mom, I love you" and "How about a morning kiss?" and all the laughter from the backyard.
I just KNOW it.
Kendall, don't say you're not cut out for motherhood in all the ways others are! We are all so confused about motherhood. "Motherhood" is not crafting, baking, sewing, home-making, outing inventing, lego playing, doll dressing, and all those other things. Those are other things that we're not all cut out for. We all have the things we are good at and the things we suck at. Motherhood is raising functional, compassionate (insert your goal here) children in the way God made you to do it. Motherhood is being their one person who knows them better than all the rest and loved them first and will love them longest of anyone else. Each of us combines our strengths and weaknesses to do that job. And no one likes their kids all the time. If they do, I suspect they have a secret stash of xanax.
ReplyDeleteKaty H from Katy