What it's like being a mom...

If you are ever wondering if you want to have kids-

Begin carrying around a 20 pound bag of potatoes, EVERY WHERE YOU GO. And duct tape another bag on your leg, to represent your first born. Practice doing everything like this, cleaning, cooking, getting yourself dressed, going to the bathroom (including wiping), make-up, EVERYTHING. Rather than putting on your favorite perfume, replace with some catfish bate to represent the smell of spit up, puke and poopy diapers. Turn on your TV to Nick Jr. Leave it on all day, so you get familiar with all the jingles and theme songs, after all, those WILL be the songs playing through your head ALL DAY LONG. Give up your favorite radio station. Play only ONE CD. ALL THE TIME. You may be lucky and get to listen to Dave Matthews, but ONLY Dave Matthews. Begin to wake up every hour of the night for 45 minutes. Do this for about three weeks, so that you get good and sleep deprived.

Use dollar bills as toilet paper, so you can get the feel for paying for diapers, letting someone crap in them and throwing them in the trash. Only eat half your food and throw the rest out, to get the idea of what it's like having your toddler eat half or more of anything you DO ACTUALLY get a chance to eat. Stop using your backseat for friends, luggage, groceries, whatever, and every time you want to leave the house, buckle those bags of potatoes in the seat and get them out when you arrive at your destination and put them back when you want to leave. Talk to those bags the entire trip, explain what everything you pass is, find the moon, a school bus, a cow, and moo at it of course.

Sit down 8 times a day and imagine you are feeding a baby doll, because that is at least how many times two kids eat. Put on some nipple clamps with weights and pull for 20 minutes at least 6 times a day to prep for breastfeeding or pumping. Start doing a load of laundry EVERYDAY. Even if you don't have things that are dirty, find something to wash. GIVE 2-3 baths a day to your dog and hope for just one for yourself. Double your grocery bill, cut in half you "fun" budget, only buy clothes that are for tiny people. Oh, and if you want to go out on a Friday night, start throwing 7-10 dollars out the window each hour. Do the same when you go to work. EVERY HOUR YOU ARE GONE.

Scatter your shoes all over the house so you get used to picking up your feet when you walk. In addition to the Nick Jr on TV, put Jeopardy on another TV. You must answer EVERY question they ask. Even if you don't know the answer, or don't understand the question, repeat the question, then give an answer. Get used to constant conversation. Constant interruption. When you talk with your girl friends, only talk about things like your sleep habits, poop, how tired you are, b/c that'll be about the only things you'll talk about with adults for the first few years. And do your socializing while STILL repeating and answering those Jeopardy questions. Stop wearing jewelry, it'll get chewed on, cute clothes at home, they will get spit up on, low rise jeans, your butt crack WILL show.

Wash sheets every other day, brush your dogs teeth two times every time you brush, dress up the dog in the morning and again at night, and maybe 1-2 times throughout the day, it will wiggle and squirm as much as a child. When you are in between towns with no gas station in sight, because the only two got blown away by a tornado, stop on the side of the road to pee. EVERY TIME. Even if it's dark.

When grocery shopping, start explaining to yourself what everything is that you pass or buy. Don't use the "seat" for groceries, it will be full. As soon as you get groceries bagged, paid for and loaded, take a potty break. Have someone rearrange your IPhone apps daily so you can't find anything. For fun start going to the park, cartoon movies, the zoo, rather than nice dinners, concerts, happy hours.

Wake up an extra 1.5 hours early if you want to make it to work on time. USe your nipple clamp device for 20 minutes, get yourself ready, dress the dog twice, brush his teeth twice, brush his hair twice, make him two lunches, take him out to potty three times, feed him three times, load up your potatoes in the car, run back in because you forgot YOUR lunch AND breakfast, turn on THE CD, answer 20 Jeopardy questions, unload your potatoes, take them somewhere, and head to work. But don't forget, throw your money out the window on the way! While at work, worry about those potatoes the whole time. You might even want to call and check on them.

Every time you sit down to get something done, pay bills, blog, write a grocery list, get up ever 5 minutes and tend to something else. Get used to everything taking twice as long.

Start looking at ingredients in everything, wonder what is in each item you put in your mouth, wash your hands twice as often, watch your language, set examples, and NEVER waste ANY TIME.

Oh, and don't forget to take care of your husband and fit in time to workout.

And get used to the CRAZY idea that it will ALL be worth it.