All I never knew I wanted

Sweet Lyla- I will never lie to you about being in total shock that I was having a little girl. The thought of a girl scared me. That fact has never been hidden. I always had in my mind that I'd have two little boys who would be rough and dirty and loud and that I would love it. Then the day came when you were FINALLY confirmed to be a girl and you turned my world upside down. I threw out my boys names, my boy color schemes, started giving away C's old clothes and started working on trying to figure out what I was going to do with a little girl. One year ago today you were not in my life yet. My dad had made his way to Katy, we had headed into Houston to check into our rooms and enjoy our last evening. I was scared to death that I was going to ruin your brothers world by adding you to it. I am not a crier, but I cried the last night I put C to bed as my one and only child. Had I only known the joy you were soon to bring us all I would have saved those tears. The morning you were born Josh and I walked to the hospital holding hands. It was still dark. I'm pretty sure you would have been born "naturally" by the next day. It hurt. That whole morning passed with such ease, and though I was scared, because who likes to be awake while they are cut open, it was all so easy. I walked into the room, hoped up on the table, leaned over, became numb, almost puked, held it in, Josh joined and you followed close behind. You were the most squished up c-section baby I have ever seen! You really must have been trying to come out, you were swollen and really looked a lot like me after a natural birth- but you didn't have to do all the squeezing. You were taken from me for a bit due to fluid in your lungs, no one ever let me know there was a big problem, so I waited, as calmly as I could for you to come back. And before I ever knew if they put my bladder back to where it should be after hearing "don't put her bladder there!" you were in my arms and the rest is history. I loved you instantly. This feeling didn't happen with C. I think I was too tired, drugged and unsure he could really have been MINE. His love came night #2. But I remembered EVERYTHING with you, I wasn't tired and I KNEW you were mine. Your brother loved you instantly too. All my worries were gone when the first thing C said was "I wanna give her kiss". Melt. My. Heart. Today I think back on this past year and can NOT believe it has passed. Your sweet cuddles and the way you laugh at nothing at all has made this year tied for the best year of my life. I also never knew what I would have missed not having a daughter. I can't really explain it, but I feel like you are my soul mate. Not like your father is to me, but like your companion. I know the struggles you are going to go through as you grow. I know the heart break you will suffer from at an early age, I know the hurtful words friends will say to you, I know the excitement of the first dance recital, the first date, prom, shopping trips, graduation, college, your wedding day, your first baby. I also know you will not always like me. But I promise you, I will ALWAYS love you. And as the years pass and the memories of how hard growing up is fade for me, I promise I will always take a minute to remember. To feel your pain. To remember you excitement. To UNDERSTAND all you are going through. And I will not judge. I will not limit you. I will hold your hand. I will guide you. I will do everything in my power to live as an example for you. I will challenge myself to show you that you can do ANYTHING you want. Lyla Kade, you are my world. I never knew I ever wanted you. Much less how badly I needed you.