This used to be my playground

Dwight Mission. I can't even put into words how special this place is to me and my husband. See, Dwight gave me life. I know, my parents and God did that, but Dwight gave me MY life.

It has been 20 years this summer since my childhood friend, Lauren Phelps, first said to me "Let's go to Dwight Mission". Me, always having been up for a good time said, "Let's go". And that was the first week of my life.

For the first time in my life, I go to meet myself. I got to know what it felt like to fee comfortable in my skin. Being an akward tomboy at age 11, I had been feeling uncomfortable in every sense. Physically and socially. But at camp, it all went away. Confidence shined through that hadn't been around since my earlier years, socializing became natural. BOYS like ME. Girls sometimes didn't because of that. But I felt good. I liked getting to know myself. And somewhere between singing songs and chasing boys, I met God.

I continued attending Dwight Mission camps, retreats, ski trips, anything that I could attend I did. I even missed my WORLD OM competion one year because it was during camp. Missing camp was not an option.

Summer after my freshman year in college, I found myself wondering what I was going to do for the summer. I didn't have myself in the best life situation, bad relationship, partying too much, so I knew I needed a new path, fast. One day I ran into my dear friend Nick Thompson, who I met that first summer as the akward 11 year old tomboy. He said, let's go to camp and be counselors. Well, I had ALWAYS wanted to do that so I said yes! I interviewed with one of my old counselors who was now the Program Director and he said yes! A couple of weeks before I got cold feet about leaving that relationship behind, when another good friend, Keith Anderson, who I also met that first summer, reminded me of all the reasons I wanted and needed to be there. That was it. I was going. Well, until I ran into this Tracy Brown girl in the cafeteria and found out SHE was going. GREAT. I thought. She does NOT like me, because Nick Thompson liked my friend Lauren Phelps. I didn't EVEN like Nick that way. But again, I decided to go.

Again, I can't put into words how special my first summer on staff was to me. Of course, right away, Nick and I were playing and having a ball, that Tracy Brown girl, has been my best friend since staff training, some annoying guy Josh Rogers was on staff that summer, a guy named Brian Carroll, Johnna Comptom, and SO many more- we all became friends. So I spent the summer chasing boys, singing songs, and again meeting God.

The second summer I was on staff, my good friend Keith joined, remember, the one who had to talk me ino going again? Well, he talked me into going back with him that summer. Nick was gone, but Tracy was back, along with her boyfriend who she had met at Dwight Mission as a camper. At some point that summer a life changing moment happened. Jim Burns, from Memorial Presbyterian Church in Norman, asked me to interview to be one of their youth directors. Now THIS was a shock. I couldn't believe that he saw ANY possibilities in me to do that kind of work. But again, I said yes.

After what was another WONDERFUL summer, I interviewed for the Memorial job and got it. I also moved in with Tracy Brown after spending a school year neighbors to Josh Rogers. Tracy and Tim Dowell spent the year dating and getting engaged, I worked at Memorial until one day Nick Thompson called saying that I should apply for a job at Westminster (a MUCH bigger church) as their junior high director. Well, there has been one thing I've learned in life, say "yes" to Nick. ;)

I interviewed and again got a youth director job. I still had some school left so I finished that up while working with who else? Nick. Then Nick left. But guess who replaced him? Tracy Brown. Now Dowell. All in all, I spent four years working there with two of my best friends and one of the most special ladies I have ever gotten the pleasure to meet, Linda Zahn. During my time at Westminster, I began leading a youth retreat called Youth Quake. I needed someone to lead music so I called on my old camp friend Josh Rogers. We got to hang out after what had been years a couple of times- and eventually started dating, and you know the rest.

Like I said, Dwight gave me life.

Now Josh and I have two wonderful children and we jumped on the chance to take them back to the place where it all started over Memorial Day. Now, this was a big deal for this lake bum, but MAN am I glad we went! And guess who was there? Nick Thompson, Brian Carroll, Johnna Compton, etc.etc. As well as SEVERAL kids who were in Josh, Nick, Elisa (Nick's wife, who was a youth director with Josh) or I's youth groups were now counselors. It was great.

While there I started thinking about what it means to be a "Dwightie". Most don't get it. My parents didn't. Most of my friends don't. And that's because it's hard to describe.

Being a Dwightie means singing to the top of your lungs no matter what age, it means laughing until you cry several times a day, it means you do not feel comfortable in closed toe shoes or real clothes no matter how long you've been off staff, it means you love people who you couldn't stand in the real world, it means your idea of worshiping God is outside, sweating to death, sitting on a dirty floor and loving every second, it means believing in ghosts, it means being excited that a Moose, that is clearly a DEER, found it's way home, it means being able to imagine the taste of Christine's bisquits and the red juice, it means butterflys evertime "the fence" comes into sight, it means, at one point, you may have drank your whole small group's spit, it means having friends that are closer than family, it means your ankles look naked without strings around them, it means never letting inside jokes die, it means you won't think of watermellons the same again, it means believing in true love, it means meals should always be followed by song, it means learning if something needs to be done- you do it, it means you have worked for like $1.50 an hour, it means you know how to solve problems, stay calme, and smle when things are tough, it means you will dance like a fool to pop songs at your wedding and not care! It means seeing the stars so close you feel like you can touch them, it means quick showers, hard beds, it means eatting way too many smores, it means sneaking out late at night, it means seeing others like God must see us, without fault, and full of love, it means you know your comfort zone and how important it is to push it, it means you call out "MAGIC CIRCLE" when you want to not be touched, it means crying when you have to leave and undestanding that the transition to the real world takes time. Most of all, it means only feeling truely at home when you are there.


And this weekend, my kiddos began their journey to become "Dwighties". I hope it gives them life too.

Forgetfulness

Perhaps the best gift God gives us mothers....

The ability to forget the pain of pregnancy- well maybe not ENTIRELY- but enough to be dumb enough to do it again...The ability to forget the pain of childbirth. The ability to forget the EXHAUSTION the first few weeks, the pain and discomfort of nursing/pumping, the ability to forget the frustrations earlier on in a day.

While looking at my sweet sleeping baby Carson last night, I went through my normal thoughts, main one being, WHY is this big body on my little baby? And why is my baby in this big bed. But the main thing I noticed last night, was how I could barely remember how frustrated I was just a few hours earlier. He looked like such a sweet angel and the ONLY thing I could remember was my love for him.

I'm pretty sure only our children can receive such instant forgiveness and unconditional love. I mean, I love Josh and all, but I may still be frustrated with him if I had spent the morning listening to him say "It's ok Kendall, I'm just puttin my foot on your face"...

Thankful

Just had to take a minute while C is eating yogurt to vent about how thankful I am to be leaving for work in 1.5 hours. I'm about to blow. C is being extra- well extra THREE today. He is hovering over me at all times. Pulling on my earring while saying "It's ok Mama, I'm just touching." Or putting his foot on my face saying, "It' ok Mama, I'm just putting my foot on your face." I have answered 1,998 questions today about ridiculous stuff. I've attempted to talk on the phone with my doctor, only to be interrupted non stop with "Mama Yatch" (watch) "Mama Yatch. Mama YATCH!" When I got off the phone and said "What is it?" Carson proceeded to throw himself down on the ground... REALLY??? THAT'S WHAT YOU ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE BRAT TO SHOW ME???

It took me 20 minutes to put on 2 minutes worth of make-up due to "MAMA YATCH!" every 30 second. I'd go out of the bathroom and say "What baby?" and he's kick a leg in the air- while laying down- not even while standing up- and he's say "Isn't that AMAZING?!?!" All my power not to say "No. That's dumb. And I walked across the house for that trick TEN TIMES IN A ROW. It wasn't amazing a SINGLE time!" But I said, "AMAZING" like a good mom should.

But does a good mom really think "YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY CHILD!!!"??? I can't get him to go play- he has the world upstairs- but he wants to be here with me. ON me. FEET IN MY FACE!

I love him. But, one hour 25 minutes left...I'm thankful.

All I never knew I wanted

Sweet Lyla- I will never lie to you about being in total shock that I was having a little girl. The thought of a girl scared me. That fact has never been hidden. I always had in my mind that I'd have two little boys who would be rough and dirty and loud and that I would love it. Then the day came when you were FINALLY confirmed to be a girl and you turned my world upside down. I threw out my boys names, my boy color schemes, started giving away C's old clothes and started working on trying to figure out what I was going to do with a little girl. One year ago today you were not in my life yet. My dad had made his way to Katy, we had headed into Houston to check into our rooms and enjoy our last evening. I was scared to death that I was going to ruin your brothers world by adding you to it. I am not a crier, but I cried the last night I put C to bed as my one and only child. Had I only known the joy you were soon to bring us all I would have saved those tears. The morning you were born Josh and I walked to the hospital holding hands. It was still dark. I'm pretty sure you would have been born "naturally" by the next day. It hurt. That whole morning passed with such ease, and though I was scared, because who likes to be awake while they are cut open, it was all so easy. I walked into the room, hoped up on the table, leaned over, became numb, almost puked, held it in, Josh joined and you followed close behind. You were the most squished up c-section baby I have ever seen! You really must have been trying to come out, you were swollen and really looked a lot like me after a natural birth- but you didn't have to do all the squeezing. You were taken from me for a bit due to fluid in your lungs, no one ever let me know there was a big problem, so I waited, as calmly as I could for you to come back. And before I ever knew if they put my bladder back to where it should be after hearing "don't put her bladder there!" you were in my arms and the rest is history. I loved you instantly. This feeling didn't happen with C. I think I was too tired, drugged and unsure he could really have been MINE. His love came night #2. But I remembered EVERYTHING with you, I wasn't tired and I KNEW you were mine. Your brother loved you instantly too. All my worries were gone when the first thing C said was "I wanna give her kiss". Melt. My. Heart. Today I think back on this past year and can NOT believe it has passed. Your sweet cuddles and the way you laugh at nothing at all has made this year tied for the best year of my life. I also never knew what I would have missed not having a daughter. I can't really explain it, but I feel like you are my soul mate. Not like your father is to me, but like your companion. I know the struggles you are going to go through as you grow. I know the heart break you will suffer from at an early age, I know the hurtful words friends will say to you, I know the excitement of the first dance recital, the first date, prom, shopping trips, graduation, college, your wedding day, your first baby. I also know you will not always like me. But I promise you, I will ALWAYS love you. And as the years pass and the memories of how hard growing up is fade for me, I promise I will always take a minute to remember. To feel your pain. To remember you excitement. To UNDERSTAND all you are going through. And I will not judge. I will not limit you. I will hold your hand. I will guide you. I will do everything in my power to live as an example for you. I will challenge myself to show you that you can do ANYTHING you want. Lyla Kade, you are my world. I never knew I ever wanted you. Much less how badly I needed you.

Ten years later

Ten years ago today it was the eve of the day that I thought would change my life forever- I was turning 21. At midnight we went to celebrate legally buying a drink and the next night went out big. I can remember, YES REMEMBER, everything from my 21st like it was yesterday. I had only wanted to go bowling with friends, but my boyfriend at the time also had a surprise party planned. So, AFTER bowling, we did it all right, three bars and 26 shots later I was 21. Now ten years later I sit. Thinking back over the last TEN years and I wonder how it went so fast. I think about how I've changed. Most important, I think about how I DON'T feel ANY older, if anything, YOUNGER. At 31 (tomorrow) I can say that I feel better than I ever did at 21. I am rested and needing less sleep to feel rested, I am physically stronger, I am lighter, my liver is happier, my lungs are MUCH happier, I eat right and at appropriate hours of the day, I take vitamins, I get daily exercise, I have successfully pushed my body farther than I ever did in my "youth". I feel GREAT. And I'm wondering, if this is how good I feel after only about 3 years of taking care of myself, can I trick myself into feeling even younger 10 years from now? maybe so. And maybe getting older won't be so bad after all...

And my husband wonders why I'm crazy...

Just taking a quick minute to make an attempt to somewhat justify my craziness by the end of the day. You see, Carson asks a LOT of questions. Here's a quick run down of the conversation that took place on the three to four minute drive to Josh's office this morning. C: Mama, can we walk to school? K: No baby. We will blow away. C: Why we blow away. K: B/C the wind is blowing real hard. C: Why is the wind blowing? K: I don't know. It just is. C: THERE GOES MY SCHOOL! WHY AREN'T WE STOPPING???? K: B/C we have to stop by daddy's office. C: Why? K: To pick up a receipt. C: What's a receipt? K: It shows us how much money we spent on things. C: What money did we spend? K: Our money. C: What money? K: Money we don't have. C: Do I get out at daddy's? K: No baby. Daddy's gonna run out. C: Why daddy run out? K: B/C we are in a hurry. C: Why are we in a hurry? K: B/C I have to go to work. C: Why do you have to go to work? K: To get more money. C: THERE'S DADDY'S!!! Whew. Three minutes. And Josh wonders why I'm crazy after 8+ HOURS!!!

New beginnings

Yesterday was the first day of spring and like everyday I have had lately, it was absolutely great. Today, the second day of spring, came the day I've been waiting for since June 15th- my house in Katy is officially sold. Whew. I didn't even realize the amount of relief I would feel today, because I had already gotten used to the fact that it was sold, but CLOSING on it, what a RELIEF.

So now we can start fresh. We have so many wonderful things coming to life around us. Trees we've never seen in our yard blooming, flowers we didn't know were planted sprouting up, our sweet baby Lyla is coming into her own sweet, playful personality more each day and will turn 1 in just a few short weeks. As sad as this is, we get to have two "kids" now. All the fun things in life can begin.

For the first time, pretty much in my whole life, I feel so content. I am content, thankful and honestly LOVING everything I am doing and trying to do in life. Are their frustrations and stress that come along with being so behind financially? Sure. Does my three year old make me want to pull all my hair out at times? OF COURSE. Am I still waiting on my husband to organize the garage? Well duh. Am I fighting back the tears about Lyla no longer being a baby. Yes. But I am SO happy. And SO content. And so THANKFUL.

I finally feel reassured that the decision to come back was right. Josh is loving his job, my kids are loving school, the house sold, I love my new home, getting involved in town and in a church, Carson started soccer, getting to go down to the lake. Life is good. And I'm just so excited for the rest of it.