Carson I love you 1,547,476

To My Sweet C Man:
This day four years ago was the strangest day of my life. My life was going to change forever the next day and I knew it. We had planned on inducing the morning of the 28th. Thinking back and remembering that there was a time I didn't know you seems unreal. Somehow I feel I have always known you. It's so strange. I guess you will understand someday....Anyway, you turn four tomorrow. TOMORROW. Wow.

Your favorite thing to do right now is to tell us how much you love us. You will do it in such a dramatic way. For example, "Mom. You know how much I love you? I love you ONE (pause pause pause) TWO (pause pause pause) THREE (pause pause pause) FOUR (pause pause pause) FIVE (pause pause pause) SIX!!! And that's a LOT. How much do you love me Mom?" Somedays you will count to twenty or my favorite, "fiveteen". We do this about fiveteen times a day. We can even just be shopping or driving down the road and I will get a "Mom, I love you" followed by a kiss in the air with a little head nod. You are so smooth. And as I sit here thinking about the fact that you are turning, ONE, (pause pause pause), TWO (pause pause pause), THREE (pause pause pause), FOUR tomorrow, I realize that I really can't tell you how much I love
you.

And I will admit, I really don't want you to turn four. Although you tell me "Mom, I have to grow up, there are just things I need to do" I don't want you to. I have been ok with it every other year. I have always been in shock that a year went by, but I've been ok with it. This year, I really want you to stay three. I have LOVED three. Well, the last 9 months of three. The first three months of three were a totally different story, but once we worked that out you have been absolutly the best, sweetest, most loving, little boy I could have every dreamed of. I am now able to see your true heart and I love it and I hope you stay the way you are.

You are kind and generous- I saw an example of this Christmas morning when you were more worried about Santa liking his snack you left than checking to see if he left you anything. You care about others and I hope you stay that way.

You are loving- My favorite thing about this age is your sweetness. I selfishly LOVE the fact that you will pet my face, kiss my boo boos, ask for hugs and kisses, tell me that you will miss me when I'm at work, ask me to play with you all the time, ask to sleep on my room on your pallet, tell me you love me every five minutes. You are in love your family and I hope you stay that way.

You are giving and selfless- I recently packed up all your baby toys and put them in the garage to donate. As usual I did this when you weren't paying attention so that we didn't have any last minute new found love for the toys- but I didn't get them out of the garage. Uh oh. When you walked by them the next day you saw them and naturally went over saying, "Mom! What are these doing out here?" I explained that you had gotten too big and that we were going to take those to some other kids who need them. Your response "Ok, that would be nice". You are not greedy, and I hope you stay that way.

You are realistic- Just today I was obvioysly frusterated while putting together your new pirate ship. You said, "Mom, I just need to call my Uncle Dillon." When I told you "I have this". Your reply, "No you don't Mom, no you don't." You are honest with me, and I hope you stay that way.


When I run, I always listen to the same songs, my "Race Music" play list. And one of the songs I have on there is Simple Man by Lynard Skynryd when it comes on I always think of you. The lyrics I focus on are:

Oh, take your time don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
Go find a woman you'll find love
And don't forget son there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can? Oh yes, I will

Boy, don't you worry you'll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied


When I listen to this song, I wonder how I can raise you to be like this. To be loving, caring, selfless, honest, like you are now. I wonder how in the world I can keep you like this. What are ways we can arrange our life to ensure you never change? How can I show my OWN satisfaction to you so that you can not live in a way that keeps you always wanting more things- different things- and focuses you on money? Maybe this song hits home with me because of my own inability to be content with what I have and where I am. This is all a little deep for a four year old I know. But you are just becoming a little man so fast. I just want more than anything for you to grow up happy. I want us to be able to slow down and enjoy every minute together. I want you to know, really know, that I love you 1,547,476 and I want you to know that THAT's A LOT.