Friday, September 24, 2010

Sister Wives.

So. I was watching Dateline or something last night and there was a special on a man with four wives. Now most people think they are all nuts, but here's what I was thinking. "MAN! These girls have the life!". (Most guys think that GUY has the life, but let me explain). You see, if there is one thing I would like to have more of, it's me. It is really hard for just one of me to work, clean, laundry, take care of kids, husband, bedroom time, have fun, etc. You mom's know. BUT if there were FOUR of me I could have the life I want! I could have more kids b/c I wouldn't have to birth them all. I could work, b/c someone else can stay home with the kids. We could split all household chores, bedroom chores... it would be GREAT!!!

And you notice you never see this picture the other way around... one wife, four husbands.. b/c who the HELL would EVER want FOUR HUSBANDS! Sure, the money would be good, but that just means FOUR pair of shoes to pick up every night, FOUR hats laying on the back of the couch, FOUR piles of dirty underwear in the bathroom, FOUR people whining about bedroom time, FOUR whining people when they get a sore throat, FOUR egos to feed, FOUR people to explain how to take care of the kids to, FOUR times the toilet seats to put down, bathrooms to stink up, football games to watch... get the picture.

Now, ladies, calm down, I'm not really wanting to share Josh. I'm just sayin... it would be nice to have more me's.

Bummer!

Last Monday my back went out. Worse than ever. Last time it went out when I was pregnant with Lyla, I though THAT was the worst ever, but this time was by FAR worse. I was straight up crooked. And all I did was sneeze. Anyway, went to doctor when I was even more crooked two days later, had an MRI two days after that, and went in to talk to the doctor about my results today. Good news and bad news.

Bad news is I have degenerative disc disease on my L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1 with ruptures in L4-5 and L5-S1 and an annular tear in L4-5. What ever that means...What it means to me is no more marathons. BOO! Doctor said this type of degeneration (?) is usually only seen on severely overweight people and older, not someone of my size and age. He then asked if I tumbled and cheered growing up... yep... He says that is probably why it started. He also explained that this was why my pregnancies sucked SO BAD. Glad to know I wasn't crazy...As for repairing my back, it won't happen. But I can get epidurals to take away the swelling and relieve pain. However, I'm considering passing on that for now. It is getting better everyday. Since it won't fix it, I'd soon not have a needle in my back...again... Plus, with the two mortgages I don't really want to spend the extra money. We have health insurance and all, but still 20%...That is not included in my budget...

I can continue to run, but only 15-20 miles per week. And my half scheduled for November was cut...

Good news, no surgery. That's all...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A small miracle...

Getting out of the house in time for work should really result in some type of reward or SOMETHING for us moms, because I swear it is a small miracle that it happens. At all. Here's how the day goes.

First, I am currently sleeping on the floor due to my back (hardwood...awesome). SO either my alarm, or my husband (when I forget my alarm due to being drugged the night before) wakes me up. I usually say "Crap" about 15 times on my way to get my pumps either due to waking up late OR due to the pain in my back. EIther way, I wabble into the bathroom, where I sit on my sons stool he uses to pee with, and pump. For 15 minutes. Then I take the worlds fastest shower and attempt to get my makeup on in the mirror that is completly fogged over b/c my husband is now in the shower. I comb through my wet hair and loose at least a handful daily. "CRAP" I top toe into the room my husband is sharing with my daughter, quietly to get clothes to get myself dressed. I then head to the kitchen to pack Carson's lunch and snack.

By then Lyla wakes up, I go change her, get her dressed. Lay her on floor to play, then Carson has to get up, dressed, and fed. Carson likes to do EVERYTHING "MINE SELF" so it take FOREVER. We get two kids in the kitchen, we make two bowls of oatmeal, one baby, one big kid, usually while both scream or "talk" to us. Carson USUALLY feeds himself, but my mom likes to feed him, so getting fed has become his new thing...Thanks mom... We then get C a drink for the road, make L's bottle for my mom to give to her, I look all around and make sure I didn't forget anything, two showers, two adults dressed, make-up kinda on, two diapers changed, two babies dressed, two breakfasts made, one lunch, one snack, pack diapers, pack spare clothes, get big bun, pack pumps for work, check check CHECK- so I head out the door, feeling like a super mom for getting all that done in an hour.

I load up C in the car, with backpack, lunchbox, big bun and blank. I get into my car, look around and realize I forgot MY breakfast, which is a shake, because I don't have time to chew. So, I run into the house and grab it, get back in the car, "Crap! I left my coffee Josh made me", so I run back in for that. Get back in car, "CRAP! Cell phone!" Back inside. Once I go back in 2-4 times, I really think I have it all together now. So I back out of the driveway. A little bit down the road I look up, mascara all over face, wipe it off, take the time to do a sniff test to make sure my deoderant got on, b/c my hair sure didn't get fixed, as I raise one arm I look, "CRAP! Baby oatmeal on my watch. Oh well. All dried on now". About then Carson finishes his drink and "CANT" hold it any longer, so I almost wreck trying to reach back for the cup to put in the cup holder while holding a hot cup of coffee b/c my cup holders are too small for MY drink.

An hour later we get to C's school. We unload backpack, lunchbox, big bun and blank and walk into school. He is always very sweet. He hugs me and kisses me bye and carries on. Then I get back in my car for another 20 minute drive to MY school. Get into my office, papers are all over the floor due to students turning things in late. Sit down to have my breakfast, "CRAP!" left it in the car. BACK out to the parking lot, get breakfast, enter grades, check emails. THEN, I feel like I can start my day.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Get it together...

I had this discussion recently with some of my sorority sisters, who I am proud to say, I have gotten to see TWICE this year. The discussion was about realizations I had while sitting at Owen Field looking around at OU's campus. As I sat up on the new upper deck (which I am a FAN of b/c they have seat backs and cup holders) I looked out only to find buildings where I used to park, I looked around and saw people I used to play with whose names I forgot, I looked at the bars that have been renamed, the clothing stores that have gone out of business, and all this made me realize, I started at OU TWELVE years ago! WOW! For real?

One of the things I remembered always checking out 12 years ago were the OU fans. The ones that were 30-something with young kids. They all had their best OU gear on, their tailgates set up, their new cars, their cute decked out kids, lots of friends around. They no longer tailgated with Natural Lite or without a TV, they didn't have to worry about drinking under aged or work after the game. They seemed to really have it all together.

So there I sat. Twelve years later. Thirty-something, with two cute kids, wearing new OU gear, with my husband, we drove our new car, we were with a couple of the people I hung out with 12 years ago. In THEIR season tickets. With the buildings over my parking spots. And all I could think is, "My shit is still not together."

I wonder when I too will be those tailgaters who have it all together. When will we stop moving, stay at jobs, stop doubting ourselves and the direction we are going? When will I FEEL like I have it all together too?

After a lot of thought, I have decided that moment will be when I have my own tailgate. When we have the TIME to pack ALL the crap up during the week to tailgate WITH at the stadium. I mean, REALLY, they have to start on Sunday to have all that ready for Saturday. TV's, grills, the food, the tents, the entertainment for the kids, the beer, coolers, chairs, fans, power sources, the tables, satellites, the new OU gear...man. When I am together enough to get all that together, I will think, "MAN. I really have it ALL together now."

On the menu this week...

A big fat serving of "mommy guilt". I think I've had seconds...and thirds...

Let me back up. I just came off a year of staying at home with my kids. I have never experienced this "mommy guilt" thing until I WAS at home giving all my time and efforts to my kids. Then it kicked in in high gear. I felt SOOO guilty because I did NOT like staying at home with my kids, or kid, at the time. Everyday by 5 I was pacing waiting for Josh to get home. For that hour and a half, I would feel like I didn't like Carson. HOW DOES A MOM FEEL LIKE THAT??? By the time Josh got home, he would have to take over so that I could take a break. By bedtime, I liked my child again, so I felt a little better about myself, but again the next day, the feeling of dislike would creep on back. I desperately wanted something in my life that got me out of the house, that allowed me to feel needed and important to someone OTHER than my child. And most importantly, would keep this feeling of dislike OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

It was not helping that I was getting into the blog world and was spending time reading about my friends adventures in motherhood- they always wrote about their life as a stay at home mom and made it sound so wonderful and happy and special- and it made me feel like crap. Everyday. I just kept wondering "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???" I should have be thankful for the chance to stay at home and watch my kids grow. Why don't I think sitting on the floor and shaking a rattle is fantastic? Why don't I think that lots of crying is cute? Needless to say, I have since decided to pass on that opportunity and move home and go back to work.

Now, I don't have to leave my kids that often for work, but NOW, once again, I'm having a whole new experience with the "mommy guilt". NOW I'm feeling it b/c I'm NOT with them all the time...SERIOUSLY? This is what I wanted. I never had this with Carson b/c I went back to work so soon, three weeks after his birth. So it always felt normal. But I stayed home with Lyla for four months. So, we got a little hooked on each other....

Then to REALLY add to my guilt, I haven't been raising them in our home since July. I realized this weekend that Lyla was 3.5 months old when we came back to Oklahoma. She's over 5 months now... She hasn't slept in her crib since JULY! She doesn't get changed on a changing table, or rocked at night. The nursery I worked on is not being used, her toys she has here are now OLD news, she's watching TV instead of sitting in her swing, or crawling all over the floor (my mom has hardwood...). I have crazy concerns that she's gonna get behind developmentally due to a lack of stimulation. Between me having to take care of C and simply not having stuff for her to do...I'm just sure she's not gonna develop right. GUILT.

THEN there's Carson. Who has started crying for "mine home". I think he's tired of the longest vacation EVER! I caught him looking at pics of our Katy house on my phone the other day. I asked what he was looking at and he said "home". And if you thought Lyla was going brain dead, you should see Carson. Talk about a kid of the times... AGAIN, hooked on TV and he is getting VERY good at working my IPhone, (I don't think that's something to be too proud of) All this is b/c my mom's home isn't very kid friendly. He has his box of toys, but since she is always picking them up, I think he doesn't really think he can get them out any more. So he watches NICK JR. Now, it IS Preschool on TV and all, but something tells me THAT JUST DOESN'T CUT IT.

I try to make sure he moves around through out the day by taking him out for a run. Kinda like you would if you had a big dog living in an apartment. Sometimes he just has so much energy he starts climbing the walls. Which results in him getting into the houseplants that are everywhere or messing up furniture. So I am always getting on to him and again, feeling guilty. Living in someone else's home results in you as a mother following you child around making sure they DON'T BREAK ANYTHING. Oh, and did I mention, he sleeps on an air mattress?? Ugh. Guilt.

Oh, and so, when I was pregnant with Lyla I shopped for clothes right? And I planned accordingly so that she had the basics for every stage of the first year. So she is in good shape. Except one small detail, WE MOVED TO OKLAHOMA. It's not going to be 75on Christmas here. So I had two kids with nothing but shorts, short sleeves/tanks and open toed shoes... We had a "cold" front last week, so I told Josh that we HAD to go buy our kids some cool weather clothes. So we did. I feel a little better. But STILL Guilt.

And to top it all off, my back went out last week. Not only could I not pick up my babies, I can't use my breast milk due to the steroids, muscle relaxers and pain meds I am on. Two year olds and 5 month olds don't really get that mommy's back can't be kissed and made better...Guilt.

What's funny about all this is the fact that my husband doesn't seem to experience as much of this guilt. As a dad, they are supposed to go to work and leave their kids behind. They don't experience the inner debate a mother goes through trying to decide what will make her a better mother, staying at home and going insane or working so that when they are home they LIKE their children. Dad's don't leave everyday thinking, I'm messing up my kids life. Mom's DO. It may be irrational, but Mom's DO.

Mom's feel guilty when they feed their kids fast food, when they don't buy organic, when they make them watch too much TV, when they send their kids to Mother's Day Out to have free time, when they don't get them out to run around enough, when they don't have the right clothes, when they leave them in their crib b/c they need five more minutes to shower, when they have to use formula, when we DON'T want to play, when we want a night out without them, when we lose our temper, when we DON'T miss them when we are away, when we discipline, when we DON'T discipline, when the baby wakes up in spit up, when we buy generics, when their hair gets too long, when they buy them too many toys, not enough toys, not the right toys, when they want to blog to get some emotional release, hell, mom's even feel guilty when the babies butts are red b/c WE should have changed them SOONER.

Mom's FEEL GUILT. Lots of Love. But lots of Guilt. We try to tell ourselves daily that we are good mom's, that we are raising them right, we have others tell us the same, but it doesn't go away. We STILL feel guilt. And I just don't think it's fair. There should be something we can take for Guilt.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Lil Bit is 4 months old again!

Due to the job change, we also changed insurance providers, which resulted in us not getting Lil bit to the doctor for her 4 month check-up till today, and she is 4.5 months now. Somehow being late has made me feel like a got a couple of weeks back. Not really, but it still feels like that. L is now 13 pounds 12 ounces, and 25.5 inches long. HOLY COW! She hasn't been to the doctor since she was 2 months old and she wasn't even 10 pounds. so sad...

The last four (.5) months w Lil Bit have been CRAZY! But in all the CRAZY decision making, nomadic family lifestyle, we been living, we have our calm, sweet Lyla at the center.

I am starting to notice all the differences between L & C. One of the biggest being the fact that she prefers her mom or dad to be holding her. Her grandparents run a close second, but others, watch out! She knows how to let you know that she's had enough of a new face. As long as she's not "scared" she is the most content little thing ever. She loves loves loves her fingers. Like all four of them at once. She is quiet the sucker. She also LOVES sitting up. If she'd quit getting so excited ABOUT sitting up, she'd be able to sit up, but she gets excited and leans back and falls. Lyla gets where she wants to be these days. She's our lil roller baby! She loves to laugh and smile anytime she's naked, unlike her bro who always seemed too cold. She doesn't like water on her face AT ALL! But she does love it dribbled on her tummy. She eats pretty well, but still prefers to lick the food off the spoon. She still sleeps and sleeps. And since she's a schedule baby, it's not surprising to go for a few days w/o any crying at all. She's just the sweetest thing ever. And she won't get any older, b/c God and I made a deal. She gets to stay my 4 (.5) month old baby forever! Yea! :)