Half a decade

Carson,

Half a decade seems like such a LONG time.  I told you recently that you were half a decade old and you said, "well that's not very old"  I explained that your KKay was six decades old, while she liked how young that sounded, half a DECADE sounds really really old to me and it seems to have gone by really really fast.

We made a deal this time last year that you would stay four forever, and while I knew you couldn't keep that deal, we had a really GREAT fourth year!  This year you have really surprised us as a little athlete.  You've played two soccer seasons, one tball season and currently karate.  Soccer really seemed to have 'clicked' with you this year.  During indoor soccer you were scoring up to ten goals a game.  You then played outdoor and still did great!  What I was most proud of you for was that you learned the value of team work and by the end of the season you were sharing the ball with your teammates, rather than fighting for the ball so that you could be the one to score.  You have been so much fun to watch play and even more fun to help coach.

You have also realized the importance of working out this year.  Seriously, I'm so proud that you want to run after school, do push ups, sit ups, and practice soccer, baseball, karate, whatever season it is.  I hope you continue to have this work ethic.  Hard work will pay off.

We also went on our first family beach vacation this year.  I have not posted about it for some reason, so I thought I'd mention it here.  You LOVED the beach.  Everyday, you and your friend we went with would play so hard, building sand castles, hunting craps and getting a pretty nice little tan despite all the sunscreen I rubbed on you.  You have been asking to go back to the beach weekly every since.  And since you and your sister have proved twice now to be super road trippers, I bet we will return. 

You also started Pre-K this year.  This was really hard on me as you can see from earlier posts... I just didn't want to lose full control of who you will become, I'll admit it.  But, I couldn't be MORE happy with who you are shaping up to be.  You are kind, thoughtful, full of life and most days, you are pretty good at school.  I also hated that I couldn't protect you from kids at school, but you seem to be doing ok in that department too considering you've already had your fist fight (not my proudest moment, but part of it).

The first time I laid eyes on you I thought, "He can't be mine, he's too perfect" and those thoughts have continued through my mind the last five years.  You are just too sweet to be mine.  For example, on Christmas Eve, you were so insistent on leaving Santa a gift because you thought it was sad that he never got to keep anything.  When I insisted that he didn't WANT to keep any of the gifts, you insisted on a LOAD of snacks for him instead.   Of course, the next day I was moaning about my back and you said "My stomach hurts because I'm hungry and you don't hear my whining about it."  I think you do things like that so that I know your mine. ;)

Bottom line, C, you are a dream.  And while I woke up today with a sad little pit in my stomach because it was your birthday, I love who you are becoming more and more every day.  When you were three, you told me that you had to get older because you have things you need to do.  And I do believe you do.  I've always said that there is a reason God gave you to me when he did.  I pray everyday that you become what He has intended you to become.  Always remember, you have things to do.  Do them.  Become everything that you can become.  Work hard. Play hard.  Love life.  And continue to live with your sweet, thankful heart everyday. 

Inner Peace

This might be the funniest thing to ever happen while potty training. Seriously. Carson was leading us in an attempt to "find our inner peace so Lyla can pee pee" I was on the little stool cross-legged when I realized how funny the moment was so I quietly got up to get a pic. This is just so my kids and I love it!

And on the fourth day...

Lyla peed in the potty!!!! forthefirsttime... I have never seen a two year old more proud! She clapped, she squealed, she hugged my next HARD in delight. Fingers crossed that something clicked!

A whole new perspective

I am so behind on my blog. I haven't even blogged about our first family trip to the beach last summer. I haven't blogged about how C's school has been going, his soccer, Lyla's growing personality, and I certainly haven't blogged about my biggest struggle in life, my mom's cancer. I wasn't going to. It felt too personal. Too private. Unnecessary. My mom might even get mad at me. But then I remembered WHY I write my blog. I write my blog for my children. So that someday, they can read about their childhood. I also write my blog honestly so that if for some reason I am not around, my children can know what my challenges, fears, frustrations, joys, proud moments and moments of doubt were. And so, I have decided to write about my mom's cancer for my daughter. Because this time it's scary. It's more real. And this time around I am a mother, dealing with MY mother's cancer, one that could invade my body, but worse, the body of my daughter. So, I am going to share my journey. For Lyla. And hope my mom understands why.


The night before school started, I was frantically trying to put the finishing touches on my new Freshman Seminar course when I got a text message. It said "had a bad day. Found out I have cancer in the other boob now. Boo." I stood there shocked, unable to breathe, immediately wanting to puke. First confused my mom sent me a TEXT, then with the very very selfish thought of "I don't want to go through this again." I walked out of my office and told my husband, composed myself and called my mother and quickly learned why I got a text. She was broken. She was a 10 year breast cancer survivor and had finally begun to believe she had won. Her voice was broken, scared, mad, you name it. Her doctor had not confirmed the results, but has a TON of experience and told her that he was 95% sure that is was cancer. We took deep breaths and said we'd go one step at a time. Both agreeing that in this case, it didn't seem easier the second time around. Somehow, knowing what to expect made it SO much worse. And I didn’t want anyone else to know.


A few days later (I think, at this point, things are incredibly blurry) the cancer was confirmed. Her doctor was recommending a double mastectomy due to her family history, her mother had it, her mother's sister and that sister's daughter, and due to the fact that it was my mom's second time. This solution seems like a no brainer. Even to my mom. But when it really comes down on you or your mother, it’s, well, it's just disgusting. To cut off a woman's BOOBS? I think that someday we will look back and be in shock that people did that to women. But for now, it was the best bet to ensure that we do not have to go through this again.

A few days after this I got a text from my brother that read, “Oh man, looks like mom is going to have to have chemo." I was sitting in my car fixing to leave my husband’s office with my kids in the back and I remember just staring and once again not being able to breathe and wanting to puke. "What?" I thought, "ten years ago, it was lumpectomy + radiation, and POOF! no cancer. CHEMO?!?! That just sounds like REAL cancer. My mom can't do CHEMO! I (selfishly) don't want to watch my mom's HAIR fall out! I have a FAMILY to raise, how will I EVER have time for CHEMO?!?! I can't hide this from Carson if she has no HAIR!" Once again, all selfish thoughts.

I felt TERRIBLE for all these self-centered thoughts. I still do. I mean, I'm not the one having to go in for CHEMO or to get my BOOBS cut off. Why in the WORLD would I think about my needs. I've had moments where I've felt like the most awful person in the world. People have been nice and reassured me that it's ok to think like this. I still don't know...

Anyway, Josh came and got the kids from the car and I went on home to call my mom, who of COURSE was just broken. I mean, look how I was feeling, I can't imagine how she felt. She explained that due to its size and the fact that it was a grade 3 cancer, something not even mentioned ten years ago, that she was looking at a 95% chance of having to have chemo. However, they thought her best bet to AVOID chemo was to do the mastectomy. So, two reasons for such a drastic measure. So, once again, we composed ourselves, and carried on.


When you deal with cancer, you get REALLY patient. Nothing comes quickly (except the cancer), tests take forever, and appointments take days or weeks. So for the few weeks, we were kind of in limbo. We had to wait to meet with the surgeon, to schedule the surgery, to find a plastic surgeon for the reconstruction (that could no longer happen during the removal due to the chemo threat), etc. etc. Once again, we carried on not knowing when things were going to take place.


Finally, we got a date. The 12th of September. Still doubting her decision, my mom confirmed her appointment and we began the process. I told her that I would stay in the hospital with her, her sister would go with her for all her pre-op stuff the day before, then she and I would 'wing it' from there. That was about all we could do at that point. That and make sure my classes were covered. This took all of 5 minutes thanks to my AMAZING co-workers. Thanks to my wonderful husband and sweet friends, what to do with the kids was never a concern.  "Whatever you need," J would always say. 


So the day before came. My mom was dreading that day more than the procedure I think because she had to do something with this dye. I don't really know what it is, allows them to locate the lymph nodes or something, anyway, last time she did this, she said it was the worst pain she had ever felt. The doctor at the time told her that for some women it is AWFUL and for others not so bad. KNOWING it's awful for her, was well, awful for US. I had not planned on going up there, but the morning came and I found myself more anxious, worried, nervous and EMOTIONAL than I had ever felt in my WHOLE life. I had not been able to breathe since I found out, but that day I was in lectures having to take a break and catch my breath because I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Needless to say, I taught my classes and left. I called my mom from my car and her words were "Oh I wish I had asked you to come." "I'm on my way" I told her. I got the car seat to J and took off. About 15 minutes later, I got the ONLY good phone call I had gotten since all this began, "I'm done!" she exclaimed. "It was NOTHING like last time, not even the same needle! The young girl didn't even know what I was talking about!" WHEW! What a load. I could breathe a little. Could handle a good puke, but I could breathe. I still hurried because she had a meeting with her surgeon’s nurse that I wanted to hear. I knew my mom wouldn't remember anything because she was so overwhelmed and now that I was going up there and DOING something, I felt a TON better.


I met up with my mom and my aunt at Mercy. We got a quick bite then walked over to the tower. We went into the nurses office and sat down, where we were explained how the incisions would be made and how to care for the wounds, and the drains. Vomit. This is when I REALLY got to worrying about my shoes. I had on the cutest little leopard flats, that would NOT clean up well if I puked on them. Seeing my mom so nervous, so grossed out about this process, made me feel, numb. Sick to my stomach and numb. Either way, we made it through that meeting. THEN, we had to go to the prosthetic BOOB store...Puke.


The store was located just a couple miles south in Northpark Mall. We all drove our own cars there to get her fitted for her post-surgical camisole. My mom was really dreading this too, in her mind she had imagined fake boobs everywhere I think. But when we walked in, it was just like a nice lingerie and swimsuit section. Then we walked further back...there were the wigs and the scarf things you can wear on your head. Head down, "those shoes are too cute for puke". My poor sweet mom bravely walked back to the fitting room, glancing at the wigs on the way by. She got fitted in a surprisingly flattering cami, came out, even looked at wigs for a moment before I decided that we don't need to look at those unless we KNOW we have to. She agreed. We left, did a little shopping, and then went out for a MUCH needed glass of wine and a steak dinner.


The drive home was a blur. I hadn't told any of my friends, other than a few girls in town who needed to know because I may be out of pocket. I can't even remember this drive. I know I tried to call my closest two friends, they didn't answer, I got gas, and got home. Numb. Still watching my shoes. J made me another drink (maybe I have a problem...) and I decided that I no longer needed to be afraid of being treated like my mom had cancer, she did, and we needed prayers to get through this. So, I made if Facebook official. And HOLY COW! Support just RUSHED out of my phone, on Facebook, texts, calls; it was humbling to say the least. I spent the rest of the evening on the phone talking or typing getting loads of encouragement, prayers, support. My dear sweet friend Renea and her mother (who is a couple weeks ahead of my mom on all this) were just two of the people who gave me the strength I needed to get through the next day.


That night I went to tuck my little Lyla in and I just stared at her thinking, "I really hope you never have to go through this baby girl. Not any part of it. Not you watching me or me watching you." In that moment I realized that there were four generations of women dealing with this disease. My grandma watching her baby, my mother getting watched by HER baby, and my sweet baby, not really knowing anything, but with this family history to live with. I slept for two whole hours that night...


Surgery day:
I woke up at 5:30am today, well, I woke up at 2:30 after going to bed at 12. I’m typing to calm my nerves. To get some perspective. Or something. I don’t know what I’m doing. This is just how I’ve always coped. I just feel so dang sorry for my mom having to go through what she is going to today. I just can’t really get my head around walking her into the hospital to do this. I’m scared of what it will be like seeing her after. Will she be upset? Will I get upset seeing her? I just don’t know. I hope not. I need to stay strong. I just know that doing nothing is SO hard. I suck at waiting and doing nothing. I have a plan as a gift for my mom that will double as something to do in surgery, it involves writing. Surprise. I think people will call you crazy less often if you don’t talk to yourself, typing or writing to yourself looks much more normal. I don’t have to be there for several hours. But I think I’m just gonna leave. At least get ready, then leave. Go to Starbucks. Get the drive over with. I still just wanna puke.


Post surgery:
Man, I am tired, but I’m taking a minute to type some thoughts before crashing!!! The surgery went as good as it could have gone. It was faster than expected, everything looked good to the doctor, my mom’s mood was upbeat, she went home today (the day after). I left her with my aunt and her mother so I could get some sleep. Hospital sleep is pretty useless. I saw the incisions today. Man I was dreading that with everything I had. But it really wasn’t terrible. Actually looked good, you know for chopped off boobs. I’m most amazed that even without any padded bras it on doesn’t look that strange. She looks skinnier. Big boobs are totally over rated. I’m ready to sleep now.

Going to the oncologist:

I am SO ready for this day. I really feel in my heart that today is going to be good. We got the preliminary report and it looked good, nothing in her lymph nodes. That’s fantastic! However, I was disappointed because I thought THAT was the clearing to not have to have chemo, but it wasn’t apparently. My mom explained that it’s a grade 3 cancer so the oncologist has to look into it to determine if she has to have chemo. What surprised me was my mom said “I don’t know how many grades there are, but I guess 3 isn’t good.” “Mom, there are ONLY 3 grades.” “Oh, crap, I was hoping there were like, 10…” Anyway, nope 3. Which from what I’ve researched, means it’s messy in its reproduction so it could have spread and we don’t know it. Therefore, the oncologist has to look at it and is going to let us know today. But I just feel hopeful. Everything else has gone SO well, she cut off her BOOBS, the source of the cancer, surely we can just move on now.

After the oncologist:

I have no idea how to describe how I feel right now. Oncology report showed my mom’s ‘reoccurrence’ rate was pretty high, not TERRIBLY high, but about 20%. Meaning she had a 1 in 5 chance that the cancer, yes the one that was REMOVED, will come back. SO, 1 in 5 chance of getting THAT cancer in addition to all of our normal chances of getting caner ANYWAY.  Due to that, AND the fact that was a Grade 3, AND due to her family history, she recommended chemo. However, only 4 treatments that could be done over 2 months, which was preferred over the 6-9 months originally quoted to us. So a little good new and a whole lot of bad news. I had like a million questions, one of them being what to expect. She walked me though it, day 2,3 fatigue, nausea, joint paint, nerve issues, etc, day 21 hair loss…

Hair loss. My mom bald. Cleaning her hair out of her drain. Can’t hide it from Carson if she is BALD. How will she deal with that? How else will it change her appearance? Why does appearance matter SO much. I just don’t WANT to see my mom look like that. I don’t have TIME to care for someone with chemo. I am the most unsympathetic person I know. Oh my gosh, I am selfish and a terrible person. Is this what I have to look forward to?

Doctor: “I am really concerned for you.”

“ME? Let’s focus on the one with cancer here.”

Huh, I guess this really could be what I have to look forward to. Well, at least I’ll be prepared…

Doctor: “You can make your decision about what type of chemo you want now or we can do another test to get a more accurate result”

Me and my mom: “Let’s do this test to find out exactly. I think that will confirm that chemo is the right thing to do.”

Doctor: “Sounds good, in the meantime, you all can make your decisions, just keep in mind, these results never come back LOWER with a Grade 3 cancer, just higher, giving more support to the chemo treatment.”

That sums up an hour and a half long visit I think. We left. We went to eat. We roamed around Dillards aimlessly. We have to PICK our chemo? Talk about pick your poison. One option has heart issue risk, the other kidney, one joint pain the other nerve pain. All involve hair loss, nausea, mouth sores, etc. What the hell kind of medicine is this?!?! And how do we decide? And how do we decide to do it or not?!?!?! I hate cancer. Another thing I’ve learned about cancer is that it’s not ‘doctors orders’ it’s ‘doctors advice’ the treatments are too awful to order, Do you want poison in your body? We feel it’s the best plan, but it is your decision.” What the crap? I DON’T WANT TO DECIDE THIS!!! I want to be TOLD what to do by people who know MORE than I do.
Either way, we get to wait again. Three weeks. Three weeks to decide what to do.

I can’t tell her what I want her to do. This can’t be my decision or my influence. I don’t have to go through it. I can’t have her have any sort of resentment towards me should her chemo experience be awful or should the cancer come back. This has to be hers. I think I know what I would do. She told me what she would want me to do. She has to remember that she is a mother, a grandmother, and a daughter. She has to think what her mom would want, her children, and her grandchildren, and of course what she can handle. She has to think outside her vanity, her fear, and make this decision. This just can’t be mine to make. But I at least know my personal treatment plan. Since I’ve now had three doctors express their concern for me…

Maybe I’ll just cut mine off now. I would, to save Lyla and Carson from this alone. I’ve wanted a lift anyway since having kids; I can just hollow them out and move on. Or I could do genetic testing before hand. Of course, the last test done was on my grandma and she didn’t have it… so I’m not thinking there’s much to be said for that. It appears to be getting worse for the generations below. The daughters have no boobs left, their mothers surviving for 20 years… What will it be like if it gets me? Why am I thinking like this? Selfish, destructive thoughts. I CAN’T think like this. I can’t let this win over my mind. Breast cancer has been in the back of my mind for ten years now. It hasn’t won. I can’t let it win now. I just have to be healthy. Stay positive. Get checked. And IF my time does come, move forward with my plan. It’s a good one. I think. Unless something better comes along……


October 18th I'm not publishing this post right now. Not sure why not. I think I'm afraid of invading my mom's privacy. I don't know. Maybe I will. Right now I'm waiting to leave for the oncologist. I'm nervous. Don't know why. We aren't even starting chemo yet.


Since the surgery, things have been rough. While the actual surgery was WAY better than I expected. Walking my mom into the hospital was not terrible. Waiting in anticipation for 3 hours before hand WAS as bad as I imagined and not puking on my shoes as they drove her off was WAY more difficult than I thought. (I had to leave the building for air.) The wait went by fast, and seeing her post surgery was surprisingly easy. Seeing the incisions wasn't even as bad as I thought. I was glad that I had looked at lots and lots of pictures on Google to prepare myself though. We got her home, she had a hard moment when she first got home, but her sister was there for her, but she stayed strong. We took care of the incisions, taught her how to wrap herself up, thought we were moving along...But things just aren't healing like they should. She got a skin infection which isn't helping things, she has lots of swelling and continued discomfort even since the drains were removed. It's frustrating. We had hoped she would be feeling good and more comfortable in her new skin before all this chemo crap got going, but I guess that's not going to happen. Her surgeon gave her the tests results we ordered, it was KIND of good news, it wasn’t HIGHER, but it was the same. So, chemo is the best option.


I think we will be setting up the treatments today. At least the port procedure if she decides to get one. She was told she MIGHT have an option, but I think getting it will be easier on her in the long run. She only has one good vein...


Maybe I'm a little mad. Mad that nothing came about that made us say, OH GOOD, no chemo. After all, the doctor prepared us when she mentioned these tests don’t come back lower. We will have to do chemo. I’m ready, but I’m feeling helpless. There's nothing I can do to make this better or easier. I'm feeling wimpy because I think I should just be stronger and not worry so much. I'm not comfortable with the unknown. This could be a breeze or it could be as bad as I read. I'm feeling sad because if I'm feeling all of this, I can't imagine what my mom is feeling.

I wish I could take all of this from her. But I can't. I can just be here. I need to just stay strong.


The crazy demented part of me says, at least write down your thoughts. So that if you are ever are in your mom's shoes, and Lyla is in yours, at least she can know the crazy feelings she may have are ok. Justified. And understandable.

October 19th

I can’t even believe what I’m fixing to type. Here’s the deal. Yesterday, I went to get my mom. We both had a long list of questions. We were ready to do this. Well, as ready as you get in a state of complete dread and fear. We went to the office, making sure we took note of where to turn for next time. Got blood work done then went back for our appointment. We had to wait almost an hour for the doctor to come in, totally different from last time. My mom commented that perhaps her blood work was real bad. We tried to laugh, we laughed at my sweet aunt Gi’s text, “praying for good news today”. “What GOOD news? Well maybe we will get to pick our chemo dates, which would be nice good news!” That was the best news we could think of that we would POSSIBLY be getting.


Finally the doctor came in, (deep breath, here we go), and we got right to it, how are you feeling, how are the incisions, etc. After we asked our first question, the doctor said “Well, I think you may not be so concerned about chemo after I tell you what I am going to tell you today.”


Blank faces, jaws dropped, stunned silence.

“I got your test scores back.” (wait that’s not the same thing that we saw) “You reoccurrence risk actually came back lower, almost half.”

Blank faces, jaws dropped, stunned silence.

“So let me break this down for you again. You are now at 12%. So with chemo and your pills you can get to 4% or without chemo, you can get to 6%, which is where we thought you could be with chemo according to our old numbers. This new score puts you just BARELY above the low risk range, where studies show chemo does not good, you are BARELY in the intermediate risk, where chemo is POSSIBLY recommended. And because you are so low now, I don’t think that chemo is worth the risk to get you only 2% points lower. We are now going to be at a 94% chance of it NOT coming back without it.”

Blank faces, jaws dropped, stunned silence.

“This is good news girls.”

“I bet you don’t get to give a lot of that” I said shocked.

"I don't" she replied.

“But you said Grade 3’s don’t come back lower?” I questioned.

“I was wrong” the doctor smiled.

I can’t explain our reaction. We were absolutely shocked. We had SO gotten our minds around this. I had visualized the hair loss experience SO many times, I had cleared my schedule for half of the week to be in Norman, I had dropped my classes to have less stress, we were ready to take this on, and suddenly there WAS good news. In fact, it was the best news I had ever heard in my life and it felt too good to be true. I always wondered why happy people cried on TV, but I got it yesterday. We just wanted to cry of relief. I also felt like there was going to be a “but”. I felt a strong urge to get out of dodge before something else was said, but nothing happened. She said, “I’ll still give you chemo if you want to go for the other 2%, but I recommend you starting the pill, I’ll call it in. If you decide no chemo, start the pill, if you decide to do chemo, come back next week.” (once again, no doctor’s ORDERS)

So here we are. Able to get to the 6% we had hoped to get to without chemo. Is there a tiny voice saying “get 4%”? Sure. But there’s another voice saying “96% chance that it WON’T come back!” Thanks to our awesome God, he gave us these odds.  He showed us doctors can be wrong.

And I think we will take that and her hair.


I went to bed last night thinking, wow this has been a long semester, only to realize it had only been TWO months. Two of the longest, most blurry, stressful months ever. I went to bed SO thankful for my life, my sweet little family, and with a BIG lesson learned. We can’t take a single day for granted, each one is a true gift from God, we need to live every single day with a thankful heart while taking advantage of every opportunity we have, whether it is an opportunity to travel or a quick hug, because life as we know it can change with one little text. And next time, we may not get a second chance.

End of day 2

Long story short. Lyla has NOT peed in the potty. STILL. She had a pee and a poo in her pull up at my dad's office, then peed three times in her panties.... This is the opposite of her brother who would pee at every alarm AND in between in his underwear. If I could JUST get her to GO in the potty...

Day two

Well, last night I went into Lyla's room to find that my super secret pull up plan had failed. She had taken it off and put her panties back on... Luckily she had NOT peed before I found her. I have NOT bought a water proof mattress pad yet and of course, she was asleep on my floor. We did have to change my sheets at 1:40am because C slept with us an had an accident. Seriously? This morning, L is back at it. She rarely leaves her potty chair. It's precious. She just sits there and tries. But the pee never comes out. We are having to leave for a few hours because I have class today so I had to trick her into a pull up. She is wearing her panties on the outside of her clothes. Great. Welp, just had to change her pull-up. She peed in it. BUT, she DID come to get me right away! That's progress right? geez I hope... I need to go back and read C's potty trainig blog for encouragement...

First (half) day check in.

Well, I have good news and bad news,the good news is that Lyla only had two accidents. The bad news is that those two times were the only two pees. Our potty is still BRAND SPANKIN NEW. It has yet to see a DROP of pee. We didn't even open the bag of M&Ms today...I did put a good dent in my Red Vines for patience.... The other bad news is that she is refusing diapers and pull-ups for bed. YIKES! I had to put her in panties then secretly insert the pull-up into her PJ's and quickly pull them up. But I guess it is good that she WANTS out of her diapers, right?

Let it begin!

I came home from the grocery store today fully armed with princess panties, a bag of M&M's to reward Lyla with, a bag of Red Vines to reward myself with and an excited little girl ready to pee pee in her potty. She was ready to start right away, so we are about 21 hours ahead of schedule. 20 minutes in- peed in her Snow Whie panties. I then found her potty filled to the top with her blankie, a snake, a rat, a baby outfit, a ball, and a watch. Unloaded potty. Thankfully it has NEVER been peed in. She is currently sitting on her potty in the living room watching Elmo's It's Potty Time! C is cheering her along.

in a blink of an eye...

There was a moment today that I about lost it. J witnessed it. I left C's school with Lyla under my arm like a sack of potatoes, kicking and screaming and hitting me, and C following behind whining and crying. "I don't want to go home with them", I thought. J must have sensed it coming, because he was waiting in the parking lot b/c he happened to be driving by at pick up. Luckiy he took a kid so that I didn't give them away. We went from that at 3pm to this at bedtime... L: Mama, I need a big hug! (Lyla gives the BEST hugs ever by the way). Now I need a tiss. (Lyla also gives kisses for a really long time. Maybe too long if she was older). There, now I can go night night. Night night mama. I love you. Wait, just ONE more tiss. Now ONE more hug. Ok, night night. Love you. Nothing is sweeter.

Climbing, climbing, climbing

Dear Carson, You are a monkey. A 4.5 year old monkey who can NOT resist the temptation to climb on everything you see. I mean everything. I'm sure someday you will stop, and I'll miss it. So for today, I am not going to tell you to not climb on my furniture and (literally) up my doors, because I don't think you can help it. Instead, I'm going to be thankful that you are a happy, healthy boy who CAN climb and remember that soon enough you will be able to keep your feet on the ground. I hope. Love, Mom

Potty Training Round 2

So despite the fact that Lyla has NEVER EVER peed in the potty, I have decided that she is going to be cut off of diapers. We will be potty training during Fall Break...stay tuned for potty training fun!

Carson's first fight...

Yes, it has already happened. C got sent to the office because he got in a fight. At first this horrified me, but then I got the whole story from Carson: "Well Mom, we were standing in line to go potty and I wanted to know where he lived. So I asked and he didn't hear me so then I tapped him with my foot on his leg and he turned around and hit me on the head. So I hit him back. Then my teacher took us to the office and gave us a talk. And he had to have an ice pack, but I didn't. (shrug) Guess I'm just tougher." Yes, I nearly drove off the road at this point because I was laughing so hard. After talking it over with J, he agreed with me that we aren't going to punish C for finishing fights, just for starting them. So of course, we had to address the reason it started....he used his FOOT to get someone's attention. His response "ok I'll use my elbow next time, like cowboys do". Ok ok. Let's clarify here..."C use your finger to tap someone. Your FINGER. No one will ever think you are hitting/kicking with your FINGER!" Oh geez.

It's been a good ride

My dear sweet Carson, This time next week we will be preparing to send you to the big Pre-K. Wow. I can hardly believe it. My friends have all been asking me how I am doing with you starting school and I've been like, "Fine. I'm happy about Grove and I think he has great kids in his grade..." all the while not being very sure why they were asking me that question. Then a few days ago, you said to me, "Mom, I'm starting school soon and then I'll turn FIVE!". And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My time with you as my little baby boy is ending. And, sweet sweet boy, what a wonderful ride it has been. You have been a blessing to me since you were a newborn baby who started sleeping through the night at 5 weeks. You knew I needed sleep, and I thank you for that. Espcially since I worked. Speaking of working, you never, ever, made me feel guilty about that because you were always so happy to stay home with your Jessie or to go to Mothers Day Out when you got older. And even though you were so happy to stay, you greeted me with open arms almost tackling me down most days when I got there to pick you up. You have been easy going, sweet, eager to please us, adventurous, absolutly beautiful and have been MORE than I could have ever DREAMED of. It has been an incredible joy to watch you grow into the sweet, tough, funny, little boy you are. I pray that you hold onto your joy and your love as you enter this new world. I pray that you know, really know, how special you are. I pray that you know how LOVED you are. I pray that you STAY who you are despite age. Bottom line sweet boy, I'm oh so proud and excited for you to grow up, but I may just not be that ready to let you go. To let you be more influenced by friends than by your family. To spend more time with your teachers than with me. To not have my special time on Fridays with just you and your sister while dad works. I have LOVED being home with you. You took care of me through a pregnancy, and you could barley talk. You have taught me how to slow down and enjoy the moment. You have been my little buddy. The love of my life. And while I know we are SO far from being done raising you, and that you still need me for SOOO many reasons, this is just an end of a very special time. And I just want you to know that you are the best thing I have every done. And it is an honor to be your mom.

Apples don't fall to far from the tree...

Scene: Me ordering at Sonic with te kids in the backseat... Me: I need a large water with lemon and line and two juice boxes. C (after rolling down his window): And I'll just take a beer!

Just cause everyone else is doing it...

I just have to get something off my mind about the whole Magic Mike controversy that seems to be plaguing Facebook and blogs alike.... To begin, I have not yet seen the movie. Will I? Maybe. But probably at home. I don't take a lot of time to go to the theater and when I do, I like to take my kids and NO, I will not take them to see Magic Mike, or Ted... With that being said, I do not know the story line of the movie, but I do know that a ton of people are concerned that Christians are going to see a movie about male strippers while calling themselves Christians. Fine. I get that. That is not my issue here, nor my place to make judgment. My issue with all this is the double standard of the whole thing. If we as Christians are going to get all up in arms about this movie, make judgmental (well meaning or not) comments on peoples Facebook pics of them at the movie with friends, type blog posts about how this movie doesn't depict masculinity, then WHY AREN'T WE FREAKING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING GUYS GET TO SEE? My husband won't mind if I go see a bunch of hot guys without their shirts on. He knows they will never try to date ME. Heck, in fact, why should he even care? He can stay back and watch Victoria Secret commercials and see more than that. Or he could rent one of a million movies where they get to see the naked bodies of girls they've thought of as hot for years, let’s see, Wedding Crashers (don't remember any fuss about all the boobs in that movie), The Break Up (I KNOW my husband enjoyed seeing Jennifer Aniston's naked backside in that), Monster Ball (I remember thinking that was PORN one day when the guys were watching it at my house in college), The Big Lebowski, TITANIC, naked boobie drawing alert, every scary movie, ever, Basic Instinct, Sex and the City, not that guys really watched that, but the list goes on and on. Men have been looking at hot naked women forever and no one is saying that they shouldn't go to the movies. Not to mention, remember Showgirls??? Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell all being a STRIPPER. HECK, even Independence Day had strippers. The main characters GIRLFRIEND was a stripper, Fresh Prince SAVED a stripper from the end of the world- no one had issues with that.... Remember when American Pie made women suddenly have the need to be a MILF? I had a friend recently say that they hoped they looked that way... Extra pressure. I bet a ton of mom's go to the gym now because that movie got it in their head that they needed to be a HOT mom... My point is, men see sex and hot naked women EVERY where they look. Billboards, magazines, commercials and most certainly movies. THUNDER GIRLS?!?! People, there are half dressed dancing girls posing with your children and we think it's COOL. Why is it that when a movie is actually made for WOMEN to enjoy, suddenly it is all about religion? If we are going to get upset that women are out looking at hot guys and I guess, wishing their husbands looked like that or fantasizing about them later (is THAT the concern here?) Then why don't we protest the VS Fashion Show? I saw about 100 posts on FB the night that was on. Mostly from girls feeling like they can never eat again. Why don't we discourage guys from going to bachelor parties that involve strippers? Why do we idolize women who walk on runways three weeks after having a baby? Why are we so upset about a MOVIE that may have improved the sex life of a married couple by reminding the wife that it is OK to be sexy for your husband and not about anything else? Maybe I am just bothered because the media makes me feel SO UNhot. I'm not tall, super skinny, half naked or anything. Or maybe it's because I have a daughter now, who I am so afraid will believe that she has to be a half dressed 'easy' girl for boys to like her or to fit in with other girls. Who knows. I just think that if we are gonna get upset about half dressed men with gyrating hips that we should get upset with half dressed women doing the same thing, making all us girls feel fat, short and over dressed...

The things they say

Just trying again to document some of the sweetness. Lyla is suddenly understandable. It's fantastic! And she knows what everything is! But sometimes she gets stumped and she says "think think think ummm think" while tapping her little finger on her mouth. The other night she was trying to get me to sleep in her bed so she said "lay your head down mama. Lay down" she then sand Twinkle Twinkle and something else that I couldnt recognize to me as she patted my face that was of course directly on her face. C got some new blue running shoes yesterday that he LOVES. However, before we could buy them he had to run though the store making sure they made him run as fast as me. If he only knew how slow I am... Ha! Also, between C testing his shoes- I think he has seen me take new shoes for a run too many times at OK Runner- and L playing basketball, they were really ready for us to leave!

Sweet things the kids say...

I should be writing a paper right now, but it is really boring so I thought I'd take a few minutes to wrtie down some of the sweet things my kids say. I really wish I did this more often... J: "Lyla are you being a pain in the butt?" L: "Yeah!" C (without missing a beat): "I told you so!" C: "Mom, now that I'm 4 and a HALF can you still carry me?" K: "Yes, baby I can." C: "But, can DAD?" One of the funniest sounding things L says: "Whach you sha?" (what did you say) Another: "Shit dog shit!" (Sit dog) C: "Mom, do you know EVERYTHING?" K: "HA! No honey, I WISH." C: "I know, only GOD knows EVERYTHING. God and real big people..." C: "I got crabs all by myself!" Either my dad or my brother, I can't remember: "Huh Carson, I don't think you'd be that proud of that if you were grown..." MAN! There are like a million more, but I can't remember. I REALLY need to do this more often!

Family Camp 2012

We returned to Dwight Mission again this Memorial Day for Family Camp 2012. It was a great time as usual. There is just something about being at camp, the place you met those closest to you, including your husband and watching your kids play with their kids. It is really just great. Lyla was up and about this year which was WAY better than her crawling in the dirt like last year, however, it didn't help her stay any cleaner. She looked homeless most of the time, which was fine with me. More dirt = more fun! Carson had a BLAST playing with his buddy John and as many counselors as possible. We of course LOVED catching up with good friends and playing with our babies!

Update on our spring...

Well, since we are going to the lake for the first time this summer today, I thought I should catch up on our spring! I can't figure out the new blogger, but I'm pretty sure I haven't even blogged about anything at all! Not even C's soccer season. Just in case, I'll start there. J and I decided to coach C's soccer team together this year. We really love working together, and can't, so we thought coaching together would be just as fun. And it WAS!!! We spent every Thursday night and Saturday morning for 8 weeks with little soccer stars. And one of the brightest little stars was our very own. Carson started off slow this season, pretty much picking up where he left off last year, crying on the bench... But by game two, he had it figured out. He scored 2 goals that game, 7 another game and the last game of the season 8! Seriously! We are pretty happy when kids score 1 or 2 per game, but 8? WOW! He just did so great. They all did! We were very proud!!! C also did a couple of sessions of gymnastics this spring AND even had his first art show!!! It was quiet eventful there for awhile! We had planned on that being the end of the activities this year, but ended up on a wee ball team as well. And we are coaching. Then we realized that Hinson (Js office) had a ball field behind it, so we worked on that a little and ended up with a pretty cute little field all to ourselves. Our little sluggers are really looking good too! We don’t keep score or have outs yet, but they are consistently getting real legit outs, like 1, 2, 3, outs! It's super cute!!! Other than being active, Carson has been LOVING playing with his friends. His favorite past time other than that is to tell me how many he loves me. Like this, "Mom, I love you 154 thousand million!" It's super sweet. I have really really loved four. (After the first few months, as usual) He also got to finish up his year at Mothers Day Out. I think he did pretty darn good. He would report daily that he got "ZERO" timeouts. And most days "wasn't lying". We spent most Thursdays at Pink Swirl with our friends, tried to have a play date once a week, started golfing, well swinging a golf club, he got to meet the Thunder players and be on the court during the intro and sit court side, which was my favorite experience I have had with Carson. Seeing his little face light up when Westbrook "looked at us" was just priceless. So thankful to Kelli Ann for having her son such a rocking bday party and for inviting us! Carson is also getting responsible. He dresses himself most days, even somewhat matching, he brushes his own teeth without me asking, even cleans his room, makes his bed, OH, and the best part, he cleans the UPSTAIRS. I REALLY REALLY encourage this behavior, because I think so many guys grow up to not take initiative and I really really want him to learn to. Lyla is just growing growing growing. Well, not really. I have been putting her in 6-12 month onsies lately... But she is getting older! :) And she's getting a lot more personality. She is just as sweet as ever and loves going bye bye to where ever we are running to next. She still sleeps on her floor. We PUT her in her bed, but she moves to the floor, watches us all walk by, reads a little to herself, and then goes to sleep. We move her back to her bed and she stays there till morning. She's so strange. She isn't into eating much other than "snacks". Full meals are a waste. She ADORES her "bubba" and her dog. She also loves teasing you with her kisses! She will lean in to kiss you then cover her little mouth and say “NOOO" in the sweetest little voice ever. She talks up a storm, but I am still having troubles understanding her. Although it's getting better, and if I know the context, I normally get it. She IS good at telling me I'm wrong if I didn't understand which is helpful. Other than that, bless her heart, she is just along for the ride while somehow being the center of our universe all at the same time. It's strange. But she is simply precious. Josh has been doing FAN-freaking-tastic at work. He really likes it. The ball is really rolling. AND, Josh ran his first race ever this spring- the Memorial HALF marathon. I know, most start at a 5K, but we just go big or go home, ya know. He did really well and beat his goal time. I couldn't be more proud. Well, I take that back. I COULD be more proud if he was STILL running regularly... I made a big decision to go back to school and started May 1st. I have always planned on getting my LPC and decided that it was at least time to get my classes done. After seeing how busy life is with just ONE kid involved, I knew it was now or never! So far it is going great! I love it and finding that it's true what they say, the third time at college is the charm....maybe it doesn't go EXACTLY like that... Either way, I'm excited about that. I also have made a goal to run one race per month for my 32nd year (may have addressed that on here as well, who knows). Anyway, so far April and May were both half’s. Think I'm gonna let me off a little easier this month. That second half was the worst thing ever! CRAZY heavy winds, with NO protection because it was around a lake. CRAZY! We have also gotten a little running group together and we are running three mornings a week. I just love it and it really helps me get up and going. Well, Carson just rolled his packed suitcase in to tell me he and Lyla are packed and ready to go to the lake, so I guess I had better make sure J and I are packed too.

My Lil Bit will be TWO...

For the last three years of my life, I have basically given up my birthday. Not because I am getting so old, but because I have been so blessed to share my birthday with my sweet sweet Lyla. On my 30th birthday, I spent the day having contractions- even went to the hospital because I was sure you were coming. Last year, I was so excited about you turning one that I barely remember what I did for my birthday, and this year, we even shared a celebration with my dad’s side of the family. We also shared with Easter. Two birthdays and Easter. That’s almost as tough as Christmas and a birthday…

Either way, I have never felt so content to have my birthday in the shadows. Because it is in the shadows of the sweetest, most loving little girl I could ever imagine. The last two years have gone SOOO SOOO fast. I really just can’t believe that it has already been TWO years. It took me a long time this year to get into “birthday mode” partially because I think I felt if I ignored it that you would stay one. But that’s not how things work I guess. Tomorrow you will turn two, rather I ignore it or not, and today we celebrate that fact.


I can’t even believe how different you are at this age compared to your brother. You are still more interested in cuddling in my lap than most anything else. You always want me to be holding you. You are always so concerned with the well being of our family. You regularly as “Mama, you ok? Daddy, you ok? Bubba, you ok? “ You LOVE Wow Wow Wubzy. You want you dog and Bubba first thing in the morning. You want to be fed as soon as your feet hit the floor. You love your babies and sing, “rock, rock, rock my babies”. You really love dancing and singing songs. You love to jump, although you don’t get very far off the ground. You are still my cautious child. While your brother was climbing the climbing wall on his Little Tikes play set at your age, you are still hesitant to go up the stairs. You don’t EVEN try the big one. You don’t like to walk over the gaps on wooden decks, or the metal things on the sidewalk at the zoo. You are just careful. I like that. In fact, you didn’t really even fall much when you started walking… you just waited until you were steady. Well, let’s be honest, if you had your way, I would just carry you everywhere. Seriously. Everywhere. It’s kind of surprising you every learned to walk!

You LOVE “tootsies” aka shoes. Its’ the cutest thing ever. You pick out your shoes every day. And nothing makes you happier than getting “new tootsies”. It’s looking like you are going to have little feet too, and so I am so excited for the day we can justify buying really great shoes to your dad by explaining that they are for BOTH of us. And if things go for you like they did for me, that’ll be in 5th grade. Yessss.


I have thought of a million things I want to put in this blog the last week and of course, now that I sit down to do it all I can think is- “Man, I can’t believe you are going to be TWO, but MAN, am I excited to see who you are going to become.” You are beautiful, kind, loving, and one TOUGH cookie when sick.


However, you sometimes you will cry if we say “don’t” too loud at you”. You have your daddy wrapped around his finger, and despite his thoughts, you ARE gonna have to start getting disciplined. Your sweet shaking hand that you place over your mouth when you cry has GOT to stop getting you out of time outs or we are gonna be in TROUBLE. You KNOW how cute you can look when you get in trouble and you KNOW that batting your big blue eyes will get you scooped up by anyone you bat them at… While this will work great when you get pulled over for speeding someday…;)


You are simply the center of our world. Mine, your dad’s, and your brothers. Heck, even your dogs… We all adore you. We all can’t get enough of your hugs or your sweet kisses. We all think you are the most beautiful little girl we have ever laid eyes on. We are so thankful for you and your love. I can’t wait to see who you are going to become this next year. I look forward to you making me laugh, making me proud, making me happy and making me feel oh so blessed. And no matter how big you may get, I promise, I will carry you around as long as you need me to.

6 year anniversary

Josh and I recently celebrated our 6th year anniversary and it was SO blog-worthy but I am just now sitting down to write about it. You see, Josh did it up right after a pretty darn stressful year, sometimes you just gotta celebrate, right?

The most amazing thing about this is Josh surprised me. Which he NEVER does. Not that he doesn't try, I just normally figure it out. I had made plans for the kids to stay with my mom thinking that we could at least go to dinner and a movie and sleep in (woohoo!). I had told J that all I wanted for my anniversary was to not have to make a decision. And man, I sure didn't! We dropped the kids off at my moms and we were free. I was told to dress cozy/cute so I was thinking maybe a sporting event or something. Anyway, we took off to OKC. We passed the south side, Bass Pro, Bricktown and finally exited on NW 63rd. I'm still thinking dinner when we pulled into the Waterford Marriott, where we spent our wedding night. I was told by J on the way there that there were two rules, one, I have to do whatever is planned with no concerns about money/time or whatever and two, no talking about the kids. DONE!

SO, back to the hotel. We pulled in and just walked into the hotel. With my purse. That's it. J checked in and we headed up to our suite. When we got there I saw white gift sacks and our luggage. J said that I had about an hour to get ready and handed me a sack. Inside was a new black dress for dinner. He said he had all my toiletries and make up and jewelry options and even shoes waiting. SERIOUSLY?

So I got ready, yes, the dress fit, J knew that b/c he had compared it with another dress of mine... wo.. and we got in the car for dinner. J dropped me off at the door of my most favorite restaurant in the whole wide world- The Melting Pot. We were there before our reservations so of course, we hung out in the bar and enjoyed some wine...Until my mother called- Lyla was having diarrhea every where. Great. So much for rule number 2...Despite a sick baby dinner was awesome and even though they are no longer serving my most favorite dessert ever we had a wonderful time!

After dinner we went back to the hotel where there was a jazz band and champagne. We tried real hard to not worry about L and just sit back and have a relaxing time. Until we got tired. Of COURSE. We get time alone and fall asleep!

The next morning J brought me breakfast in bed and handed me another sack. This sack had cozy clothes in it. We had gone on an 8 mile run the day before so I was like, are we running again? No... We packed up and went to check out but not before a detour in the hotel's spa for a much needed couples massage. Remember, 8 mile run the day before. Perfect timing!

Our time was up after that, but it was SUCH a perfect night I told J we can just do that every year!

Somethings a little wrong with me...

Ever since I became pregnant with Carson I have realized that I am a little...uh...slower...mentally. During pregnancy everyone referred to it as "pregnancy brain", after pregnancy "exhaustion", 18 months later I was pregnant again, then exhausted, but now, almost TWO YEARS since having my last baby, I find myself still...slower...metally.

I constantly lose words. Which is tough and sometimes embarrassing for a college professor. I mean words I JUST said, I go to repeat them and POOF they are gone from my brain. I lose track of my thoughts during a story. I forget things like CRAZY before leaving the house in the morning. Names are just a lost cause. Getting everything off my grocery list is a thing of the past. Feeling mentally stable in general, is well done for.

Since I can not longer blame it on "pregnancy brain" or even "exhaustion" thanks to my wonderful sleepers, I started thinking elsewhere. And I have come up with "Multi-tasking Overload" as my official diagnosis. What the *$%# is that? Well, here's my explanation and there are two main parts...

The minute a mom becomes pregnant she no longer EVER loses her child from her thoughts. EVER. We become very egocentric and feel everything is about us, and that everyone know we are pregnant, even if we don't look it a bit. We NEVER EVER EVER stop thinking about that baby. Ever. Then when the baby is actually born, it goes into over drive. Now not only do we think about the baby, we worry about their safety, replay their morning behavior in our mind all day, wonder what they are doing if we are away from them, think about what we are going to do after school, we plan birthdays 6 months in advance, fret about scrapbooks, or new clothes, or extra curricular activities. We worry about our sick kids if we have to leave them behind, we wonder if our kids are having fun at school. We think about our love for them. They NEVER. EVER. LEAVE. OUR. MINDS. even if we ARE focusing on something that is OURS. Our job, our friends, our spouse, shopping. We always have them in the corner of our mind.

Then on top of that, since having Carson, Facebook and Iphones have taken over our lives. We now know more about our friends lives than we EVER have. Hear more news than EVER, work can always track us down, we have access to our emails on our phones, our phones are most always in our hands, it has become normal to have a conversation with a girlfriend while emailing, texting, checking facebook. Two girls, carrying on a conversation with our faces in our phones due to one of the many things the phone allows us to do. And we of course also parent while looking over an Iphone or Ipad... We feel productive. We feel efficient. We feel like we can do it all. We multi-task like MAD!

But how is that interfering with our ability to just focus? Between kids on my brain at all times, wondering if anyone commented on my super cute pic of my kids, or replied to my text about babysitting for me tonight, or to the email I sent to co-workers, trying to remember to blog about the funny thing the kids did that morning or to upload pics for family to see, my brain NEVER focuses on just one thing. Cognitive overload the books would call it, but that applies to so much more. I feel MY problem is just due to doing SO DARN MANY THINGS AT ONCE thanks to technology and having children.

Am I saying that I don't WANT my Facebook or email on my phone? HECK NO!!! This is the world we live in. I teach online, I work at home, I need to be reached. I am just simply wondering when my brain is going catch up to me. Or if there is a way to learn to focus again, or if that was lost when I became a mom... I mean even while typing this, I am talking with C, disciplining L and checking emails from work. Seriously- multi-tasking overload.

Realizations

I had to take a minute to blog this morning before diving in to essays from my online class (yikes!) not because I'm feeling overwhelmed and frusterated by my kids but because I am having one of those days that I just feel thankful, and for strange things. I realized this morning that there are some things my kids do that on most days annoy me, or GET annoying, but that real soon won't happen and I'll be lonely.

For example, SOMEDAY, I will be lonely when I take a bath. All by myself. With no little heads peeping over the top or asking if they can wash my back or get in. I'll be wastful when I don't "recycle" my bath water b/c Carson wants to get in THAT water to take HIS bath. I'll be super lonely and bored on those days J goes to work early and I get up on a day off and don't have to make two breakfasts, two drinks, two hot chocolates, change diapers or have TWO sweet babies fighting to sit on my lap.

I am going to be so lonely driving around town running my errands without answering 100 quetions from the backseat. I'll be lonely going to the gym all by myself, grocery shopping alone,or having a meal. It'll be so strange to listen to my music, watch my shows, be out of the house after dark. I won't get compliments every morning about my shoes, or my sweater, or my hair. I won't get to wake up in the morning to an additional person in my bed. And what will I do when I have to go to the BATHROOM by myself?!?!?!

So today, rather than being frusterated because I have NO alone time. I choose to realize that someday I will miss it, I will be lonely, and that I need to soak it up right now.

And so it begins...

This week, both my four year old and my 1 year old began something that I am just not ready for. They showed REAL interest in their clothing for different reasons.


First thing that happened was with Lyla. I had carried her to the closet to pick out her shoes. I grabbed a pair that would match and went back to the changing table. She started screaming on the way there for "pink shoes!" I tried to put her silver ones on and she grabbed them and threw them on the ground and yelled again for her pink ones. I let her walk back to the closet to show me what she wanted and she grabbed her pink Crocs, put them on, and said "there." REALLY? She's ONE!

The second thing that happened was with C. It actually got cold here this week, so of COURSE I thought he should wear a coat to school. Well, it was quiet the fight, but I got him in it. As soon as we walked in school he shook it off. I asked why he didn't want to wear it and he said "because my friends will laugh at me." WHAT??? You're FOUR! And a BOY! "What coat do you want to wear?" I asked. "A green one" C replied...

That afternoon I was determined to get to the bottom of this so I asked C why he thought his friends would laugh at him. And he told me "Cason thinks it makes silly sounds". When I explained that Cason was NOT laughing at him by saying his puffy coat makes silly sounds, his response was "You are right Mom. Cason's my best friend. He wouldn't laugh at me." So I thought I was done there. Patted myself on the back for clearing that up and moved on thinking the coat thing was behind us.

The next day- still no coat. He wanted a green one. So,I have decided to give up this battle for now. I'm just NOT gonna go buy him a "green coat" that he thinks his friends won't laugh at. I just don't think swooping down and spending money to fix the problem WILL fix the problem. I think that being the "Parent to the Rescue" will only set expectations I can't always meet and make him expectant of all his desires. BESIDES, the next day, he insisted on wearing his KD JERSEY and blue SHORTS and COWBOY BOOTS to school when it was 34 degrees. I don't really think fashion is the issue here...

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

We are entering February with the beginning of a new era- pull-up free Carson. WHEW! I know, I know, he's FOUR! Why was he wearing pull-ups at night? Well, here's why...
When I potty trained him he still would NOT get out of his bed unless I got him up. Even in the mornings. So, of course, I couldn't get him to get up to pee at night. Also, he sleeps 12-13 hours EVERY night. That's a LONG time to hold your pee. AND, I was hearing from doctors that it would just work itself out. So for those three reasons, primarily the third, we used pull-ups. And over a year later, things were NOT working out. So after his fourth birthday I just told him we were done.

Since December 28th, I think I've washed/changed sheets 57 times. But we are now to a point of no accidents. I wake him up and take him to potty right before I go to bed. He hardly even wakes up, in fact some nights we hold him in the air b/c he can't even stand. He then wakes up on his own sometimes in the early morning- 3-6ish. And we've been dry for 11 mornings in a row. I'm not even asking any more.

HOWEVER, when he does wake up at 3-6 he does NOT go back to his bed. And as of last week, he doesn't even go to the pallet I keep by my bed for him, he crawls in with me to cuddle. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. I never co-slept with my kids because they were such loud sleepers and I just didn't want that habit, so I dig the cuddles, the problem is, he is STILL such a LOUD sleeper! Except now he talks and laughs and of COURSE kicks and kicks. OH well, at LEAST he's not peeing on me any more WHILE he cuddles.

SO, I am no longer cleaning C's pee, or getting peed ON, BUT we got a new addition to our family, our sweet Golden Doodle, Cooper. The kids LOVE him and J ADORES him. In fact, he's with J at work right now. He's a great work dog (and home dog) because he is just SOOO chill. AND he has long wavy hair that you can't PULL out. AWESOME. However, now we have someone elses pee to clean.

When will I ever stop cleaning PEE???

I've contemplated potty training Lyla right now too. Go big or go home right? I would LOVE to just knock it all out right now, let them pee all over the carpet in the living room, train them and then get hardwood floors. :) but I just don't know if I'm ready for TWO kids interrupting my dinner out b/c they have to pee, pulling over at gas stations every ten miles, etc. etc. So, I'm gonna have to think on this one...

Oh January

January is normally one of my two least favorite months of the year, second only to February. I just don't like the cold. That's really the only reason. March can be cold sure, but at least there's hope by then. But this January hasn't been bad at all. We've had some cold days, but nothing (SO FAR) like it can normally be.

We have spend the whole month trying to get ready for school to start I feel. The first part was spent prepping classes and organizing from Christmas- which honestly, is STILL going on... School started the middle part of the month and there are ALWAYS things that you kinda forget have to be done during the first few weeks, so I always feel a little like I'm drowning, but I'm to the point now that I feel I have my head above water.

The kids have an adjustment to me being back in school as well. They go from being home with me every day to being woken up in the morning, rushed to eat, get dressed, get in the car, and then off to school, which they LOVE, for the day. Then when I get home with them I normally have more work to do from home. It's kinda sad. I always think, well, at least I am HOME with them, but really, I kinda think that may be more frustrating to them than being with a sitter. At least the sitter gives them ALL their attention...

C has had a hard few weeks and I feel that my being so busy has something to do with it. He ALWAYS has a hard first 3 months of a new age. EVERY YEAR he feels older and fights for independence. I'm yet to figure out what he needs this year. Of course it always takes about three months and we are only one month in. But I am thinking REALLY hard about what it could be this year that "does it" for him because he's bigger and meaner this year. The other day, my sweet baby gave me the MEANEST scowl EVER and slammed the door in my face. WOW! Last year the trick was giving him access to his own drinks. Seriously. I put his cups low and taught him how to use the fridge water and we had no problems. He was able to meet his own basic needs. So far this year I've tried letting him dress by himself for school, he doesn't WANT to do that, I've been letting him not wear a pull-up, he still pees, I tell him it's his responsibility to keep his playroom clean, na, apparently the things I want him to do are NOT on HIS list...So, I'm living with a ticking bomb most days... But we will work through it. We always do...Luckily when he is minding and being sweet, he is SO sweet and cute. Good thing, because being ignored by your child REALLY tests your patience. REALLY. TEST. YOUR. PATIENCE. In fact, it may be the most frustrating thing I've ever been a part of. Wanting someone to just mind you and not run in front of a car... Is that really so much to ask???

Lyla is just trucking along. Talking away, acting all sweet, still being shy of others and mostly as serious as ever. I still can ONLY get her silly CHEESE face when I ask for a smile. Most people on facebook must think she's silly looking b/c if she smiles it's all goofy haha. She has been moved to her "big girl" bed, however, the funniest thing is she lays in it, says night night, then she crawls down, opens her door and goes to sleep by her gate. Even if we are walking by her room she just watches and falls asleep. We move her to her bed before we go to sleep and she stays there all night long. SO funny! And sweet. She also is showing interest in what she wears. Like last night, she wanted her leg warmers on with her night gown. I guess you need things covered when you plan on sleeping on the floor... Her favorite thing to do is to give high fives on both hands, she say "haya" then asks for a kiss then says "bye bye".

Overall, January has been good. We have started daily routines to keep me focusd on them.... Movie Mondays, Crafty Tuesdays, Gymnastics Wednesdays, Pink Swirl Thursdays, Family Movie Night Fridays and PLAYDATES (A BIG HIT), Saturdays have mostly been spent with one parent or the other due to Freshman Seminar and duck hunting season, Sunday's church and Sushi Sunday.

I almost forgot about the highlight of my month! J has decided to run at least a 10K with me this spring!!! And due to the nice weather, we have even been able to do some runs with the kids in their stroller and then go to the park after. I have really really really enjoyed having this physical activity time with my family and the chance to share something I love so much with my husband. I'm just convinced everyone will love running if they give it a chance. So, after this weekends long run, J will be half way to a 10K. So exciting!

That's all for now! Gotta clean up for playdate at our house.

Christmas/Birthday Tour 2011

Well, it's only about a month past Chrismtas and I am finally getting around to blogging about it. Needless to say, I have been catching up since.

Christmas this year was much less crazy and much more enjoyable this year than others we have had. We started the season off like normal, decorating the house.




This was extra fun this year because Carson actually helped me out while I decoated.




We then continued our tradition of having family advent activities every night. Well, almost every night, we did take a break when we took our cruise. But even on the cruiser, C got to be in a Christmas play and visit Santa! Other advent activities this year included, Christmas carols, hot chocolate by the fire, pictures with Santa, letter to Santa, Christmas movie night, painting our windows (a Carson favorite!), we hosted a Christmas, we donated money for others Christmas, and a night learning about our new family visitor, Crispy the Elf, which was a gift from Josh's grandmother.





J and I decided to limit the number of Christmas celebrations we have in one year and we saved them all up until two days before Christmas. Then we took off. First stop was my mom's house. We joined my mom and my grandmother for yummy food and lots of gifts. Big hits included C's Batmobil, C's dinosaur park, army men, Lyla's pots and pans, her stuffed cat, sun glasses and a new baby. We got home that night, unloaded and got to bed to hop up the next day to go to Josh's mom's house.






We joined J's mom and her side of the family for lunch and more gifts. Big hits were C's guitar, another baby, cute clothes and movies. We then went home to get ready for Santa.


This year, C had reindeer food from school to put out for Santa's reindeer, C was also very careful about picking Santa's snacks. The kiddo's both climbed in Lyla's "big girl" bed which she wasn't sleeping in yet, to listen to Josh read the Christmas story as well as The Night Before Christmas.



This year was also the first time it was tough getting C to go down because he was SOOOO excited. So, he ended up falling asleep in my bed while J and I did some last minute things ;) to get ready for the big day.

J & I had a great time making sure things were pretty and ready while enjoying a little Christmas time with just us. We got to bed around midnight and got an early 6am wake up from C, who was wanting to "go see if Santa liked his snack." He is so sweet. I snuck out leaving C in my room with J, got Lyla, brought her in the room, turned on some music, started coffee, got my video camera, and my regular camera then told the kiddos to come out.

And man were they excited!



C had been wanting Santa to bring him drums and a toothbrush. And Santa DID! And C also wanted Santa to bring L a kitchen, with a grill for him, and Santa DID! They played with each others Santa gifts for a while before ever getting into their stockings...




However, they soon moved on. C didn't get a toothbrush from Santa because Santa know he just got a new one at the dentis, but he did get some flossers...



Carson was very excited about everything he got, but had to keep drumming in between, and cooking. He was so sweet helping his sister open her gifts and wanting to see everything she got. Little bit had gotten down opening gifts by this point and was so sweet wanting her daddy to help her with everything, including little play jewelry...



We got lots of kissed and hugs and cuddles and enjoyed the morning SO. After gifts, bubble bread and a little clean up we all got ready and went to church, came back and spent the rest of the day playing and straightening up and cooking for another Christmas the next day.

Here are some more pics of Christmas morning:










By noon the next day our tree was once again surrounded by gifts
and my home was full of people laughing eating and drinking on my "awesome" homemade sangria. (I actually ruined it by putting the Ginger Ale in it the night before, but my family is not picky, lol). We had J's homemade chicken and dumplins, lots of candies, fudge, chips, dips, sausage, and of course opened lots of gifts. Big hits were the quiet impressive clothes my DAD picked out for L, C's remote control car and my dads, I mean, Josh's, or Dillon's, oh YES CARSON'S remote helicopter. This helicopter is bought every year, the big boys fly it all around crashing it into walls and usually breaking it before C ever gets to try. I THINK it survived this year...

That evening we caught our breath. I honestly can't remember the 27th, I have NO clue what went on that day. But I DO know that I decided last minute to make C some cupcakes for his birthday the next day.

I know I know, why was this a last minute decision? Well, we had his bday party in MEXICO and I was determined to let that be IT. BUT, we did need to let family come wish him happy birthday, so we had a come and go the 28th. We had not given C his bday present yet, so we decided to let him open that up before J went to work. He had been asking for "boots like Casen's" for a year and I made him ask for them for his birthday (trying to teach patience) and the day had arrived!

I did a HORRIBLE job of taking pics this day, but her are a few...

Love this pic of my dad and L bc I have one like it from when I was her age.





So that wraps up the Christmas/Birthday Tour 2011. I loved every second with my sweet children. THEY are what make Christmas.

I can now finally start blogging for 2012!