Forgetfulness

Perhaps the best gift God gives us mothers....

The ability to forget the pain of pregnancy- well maybe not ENTIRELY- but enough to be dumb enough to do it again...The ability to forget the pain of childbirth. The ability to forget the EXHAUSTION the first few weeks, the pain and discomfort of nursing/pumping, the ability to forget the frustrations earlier on in a day.

While looking at my sweet sleeping baby Carson last night, I went through my normal thoughts, main one being, WHY is this big body on my little baby? And why is my baby in this big bed. But the main thing I noticed last night, was how I could barely remember how frustrated I was just a few hours earlier. He looked like such a sweet angel and the ONLY thing I could remember was my love for him.

I'm pretty sure only our children can receive such instant forgiveness and unconditional love. I mean, I love Josh and all, but I may still be frustrated with him if I had spent the morning listening to him say "It's ok Kendall, I'm just puttin my foot on your face"...

Thankful

Just had to take a minute while C is eating yogurt to vent about how thankful I am to be leaving for work in 1.5 hours. I'm about to blow. C is being extra- well extra THREE today. He is hovering over me at all times. Pulling on my earring while saying "It's ok Mama, I'm just touching." Or putting his foot on my face saying, "It' ok Mama, I'm just putting my foot on your face." I have answered 1,998 questions today about ridiculous stuff. I've attempted to talk on the phone with my doctor, only to be interrupted non stop with "Mama Yatch" (watch) "Mama Yatch. Mama YATCH!" When I got off the phone and said "What is it?" Carson proceeded to throw himself down on the ground... REALLY??? THAT'S WHAT YOU ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE BRAT TO SHOW ME???

It took me 20 minutes to put on 2 minutes worth of make-up due to "MAMA YATCH!" every 30 second. I'd go out of the bathroom and say "What baby?" and he's kick a leg in the air- while laying down- not even while standing up- and he's say "Isn't that AMAZING?!?!" All my power not to say "No. That's dumb. And I walked across the house for that trick TEN TIMES IN A ROW. It wasn't amazing a SINGLE time!" But I said, "AMAZING" like a good mom should.

But does a good mom really think "YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY CHILD!!!"??? I can't get him to go play- he has the world upstairs- but he wants to be here with me. ON me. FEET IN MY FACE!

I love him. But, one hour 25 minutes left...I'm thankful.

All I never knew I wanted

Sweet Lyla- I will never lie to you about being in total shock that I was having a little girl. The thought of a girl scared me. That fact has never been hidden. I always had in my mind that I'd have two little boys who would be rough and dirty and loud and that I would love it. Then the day came when you were FINALLY confirmed to be a girl and you turned my world upside down. I threw out my boys names, my boy color schemes, started giving away C's old clothes and started working on trying to figure out what I was going to do with a little girl. One year ago today you were not in my life yet. My dad had made his way to Katy, we had headed into Houston to check into our rooms and enjoy our last evening. I was scared to death that I was going to ruin your brothers world by adding you to it. I am not a crier, but I cried the last night I put C to bed as my one and only child. Had I only known the joy you were soon to bring us all I would have saved those tears. The morning you were born Josh and I walked to the hospital holding hands. It was still dark. I'm pretty sure you would have been born "naturally" by the next day. It hurt. That whole morning passed with such ease, and though I was scared, because who likes to be awake while they are cut open, it was all so easy. I walked into the room, hoped up on the table, leaned over, became numb, almost puked, held it in, Josh joined and you followed close behind. You were the most squished up c-section baby I have ever seen! You really must have been trying to come out, you were swollen and really looked a lot like me after a natural birth- but you didn't have to do all the squeezing. You were taken from me for a bit due to fluid in your lungs, no one ever let me know there was a big problem, so I waited, as calmly as I could for you to come back. And before I ever knew if they put my bladder back to where it should be after hearing "don't put her bladder there!" you were in my arms and the rest is history. I loved you instantly. This feeling didn't happen with C. I think I was too tired, drugged and unsure he could really have been MINE. His love came night #2. But I remembered EVERYTHING with you, I wasn't tired and I KNEW you were mine. Your brother loved you instantly too. All my worries were gone when the first thing C said was "I wanna give her kiss". Melt. My. Heart. Today I think back on this past year and can NOT believe it has passed. Your sweet cuddles and the way you laugh at nothing at all has made this year tied for the best year of my life. I also never knew what I would have missed not having a daughter. I can't really explain it, but I feel like you are my soul mate. Not like your father is to me, but like your companion. I know the struggles you are going to go through as you grow. I know the heart break you will suffer from at an early age, I know the hurtful words friends will say to you, I know the excitement of the first dance recital, the first date, prom, shopping trips, graduation, college, your wedding day, your first baby. I also know you will not always like me. But I promise you, I will ALWAYS love you. And as the years pass and the memories of how hard growing up is fade for me, I promise I will always take a minute to remember. To feel your pain. To remember you excitement. To UNDERSTAND all you are going through. And I will not judge. I will not limit you. I will hold your hand. I will guide you. I will do everything in my power to live as an example for you. I will challenge myself to show you that you can do ANYTHING you want. Lyla Kade, you are my world. I never knew I ever wanted you. Much less how badly I needed you.

Ten years later

Ten years ago today it was the eve of the day that I thought would change my life forever- I was turning 21. At midnight we went to celebrate legally buying a drink and the next night went out big. I can remember, YES REMEMBER, everything from my 21st like it was yesterday. I had only wanted to go bowling with friends, but my boyfriend at the time also had a surprise party planned. So, AFTER bowling, we did it all right, three bars and 26 shots later I was 21. Now ten years later I sit. Thinking back over the last TEN years and I wonder how it went so fast. I think about how I've changed. Most important, I think about how I DON'T feel ANY older, if anything, YOUNGER. At 31 (tomorrow) I can say that I feel better than I ever did at 21. I am rested and needing less sleep to feel rested, I am physically stronger, I am lighter, my liver is happier, my lungs are MUCH happier, I eat right and at appropriate hours of the day, I take vitamins, I get daily exercise, I have successfully pushed my body farther than I ever did in my "youth". I feel GREAT. And I'm wondering, if this is how good I feel after only about 3 years of taking care of myself, can I trick myself into feeling even younger 10 years from now? maybe so. And maybe getting older won't be so bad after all...

And my husband wonders why I'm crazy...

Just taking a quick minute to make an attempt to somewhat justify my craziness by the end of the day. You see, Carson asks a LOT of questions. Here's a quick run down of the conversation that took place on the three to four minute drive to Josh's office this morning. C: Mama, can we walk to school? K: No baby. We will blow away. C: Why we blow away. K: B/C the wind is blowing real hard. C: Why is the wind blowing? K: I don't know. It just is. C: THERE GOES MY SCHOOL! WHY AREN'T WE STOPPING???? K: B/C we have to stop by daddy's office. C: Why? K: To pick up a receipt. C: What's a receipt? K: It shows us how much money we spent on things. C: What money did we spend? K: Our money. C: What money? K: Money we don't have. C: Do I get out at daddy's? K: No baby. Daddy's gonna run out. C: Why daddy run out? K: B/C we are in a hurry. C: Why are we in a hurry? K: B/C I have to go to work. C: Why do you have to go to work? K: To get more money. C: THERE'S DADDY'S!!! Whew. Three minutes. And Josh wonders why I'm crazy after 8+ HOURS!!!