On the menu this week...

A big fat serving of "mommy guilt". I think I've had seconds...and thirds...

Let me back up. I just came off a year of staying at home with my kids. I have never experienced this "mommy guilt" thing until I WAS at home giving all my time and efforts to my kids. Then it kicked in in high gear. I felt SOOO guilty because I did NOT like staying at home with my kids, or kid, at the time. Everyday by 5 I was pacing waiting for Josh to get home. For that hour and a half, I would feel like I didn't like Carson. HOW DOES A MOM FEEL LIKE THAT??? By the time Josh got home, he would have to take over so that I could take a break. By bedtime, I liked my child again, so I felt a little better about myself, but again the next day, the feeling of dislike would creep on back. I desperately wanted something in my life that got me out of the house, that allowed me to feel needed and important to someone OTHER than my child. And most importantly, would keep this feeling of dislike OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

It was not helping that I was getting into the blog world and was spending time reading about my friends adventures in motherhood- they always wrote about their life as a stay at home mom and made it sound so wonderful and happy and special- and it made me feel like crap. Everyday. I just kept wondering "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???" I should have be thankful for the chance to stay at home and watch my kids grow. Why don't I think sitting on the floor and shaking a rattle is fantastic? Why don't I think that lots of crying is cute? Needless to say, I have since decided to pass on that opportunity and move home and go back to work.

Now, I don't have to leave my kids that often for work, but NOW, once again, I'm having a whole new experience with the "mommy guilt". NOW I'm feeling it b/c I'm NOT with them all the time...SERIOUSLY? This is what I wanted. I never had this with Carson b/c I went back to work so soon, three weeks after his birth. So it always felt normal. But I stayed home with Lyla for four months. So, we got a little hooked on each other....

Then to REALLY add to my guilt, I haven't been raising them in our home since July. I realized this weekend that Lyla was 3.5 months old when we came back to Oklahoma. She's over 5 months now... She hasn't slept in her crib since JULY! She doesn't get changed on a changing table, or rocked at night. The nursery I worked on is not being used, her toys she has here are now OLD news, she's watching TV instead of sitting in her swing, or crawling all over the floor (my mom has hardwood...). I have crazy concerns that she's gonna get behind developmentally due to a lack of stimulation. Between me having to take care of C and simply not having stuff for her to do...I'm just sure she's not gonna develop right. GUILT.

THEN there's Carson. Who has started crying for "mine home". I think he's tired of the longest vacation EVER! I caught him looking at pics of our Katy house on my phone the other day. I asked what he was looking at and he said "home". And if you thought Lyla was going brain dead, you should see Carson. Talk about a kid of the times... AGAIN, hooked on TV and he is getting VERY good at working my IPhone, (I don't think that's something to be too proud of) All this is b/c my mom's home isn't very kid friendly. He has his box of toys, but since she is always picking them up, I think he doesn't really think he can get them out any more. So he watches NICK JR. Now, it IS Preschool on TV and all, but something tells me THAT JUST DOESN'T CUT IT.

I try to make sure he moves around through out the day by taking him out for a run. Kinda like you would if you had a big dog living in an apartment. Sometimes he just has so much energy he starts climbing the walls. Which results in him getting into the houseplants that are everywhere or messing up furniture. So I am always getting on to him and again, feeling guilty. Living in someone else's home results in you as a mother following you child around making sure they DON'T BREAK ANYTHING. Oh, and did I mention, he sleeps on an air mattress?? Ugh. Guilt.

Oh, and so, when I was pregnant with Lyla I shopped for clothes right? And I planned accordingly so that she had the basics for every stage of the first year. So she is in good shape. Except one small detail, WE MOVED TO OKLAHOMA. It's not going to be 75on Christmas here. So I had two kids with nothing but shorts, short sleeves/tanks and open toed shoes... We had a "cold" front last week, so I told Josh that we HAD to go buy our kids some cool weather clothes. So we did. I feel a little better. But STILL Guilt.

And to top it all off, my back went out last week. Not only could I not pick up my babies, I can't use my breast milk due to the steroids, muscle relaxers and pain meds I am on. Two year olds and 5 month olds don't really get that mommy's back can't be kissed and made better...Guilt.

What's funny about all this is the fact that my husband doesn't seem to experience as much of this guilt. As a dad, they are supposed to go to work and leave their kids behind. They don't experience the inner debate a mother goes through trying to decide what will make her a better mother, staying at home and going insane or working so that when they are home they LIKE their children. Dad's don't leave everyday thinking, I'm messing up my kids life. Mom's DO. It may be irrational, but Mom's DO.

Mom's feel guilty when they feed their kids fast food, when they don't buy organic, when they make them watch too much TV, when they send their kids to Mother's Day Out to have free time, when they don't get them out to run around enough, when they don't have the right clothes, when they leave them in their crib b/c they need five more minutes to shower, when they have to use formula, when we DON'T want to play, when we want a night out without them, when we lose our temper, when we DON'T miss them when we are away, when we discipline, when we DON'T discipline, when the baby wakes up in spit up, when we buy generics, when their hair gets too long, when they buy them too many toys, not enough toys, not the right toys, when they want to blog to get some emotional release, hell, mom's even feel guilty when the babies butts are red b/c WE should have changed them SOONER.

Mom's FEEL GUILT. Lots of Love. But lots of Guilt. We try to tell ourselves daily that we are good mom's, that we are raising them right, we have others tell us the same, but it doesn't go away. We STILL feel guilt. And I just don't think it's fair. There should be something we can take for Guilt.